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Friday, January 25, 2013

Ghosts of Might Have Been

10th January 2012
Dear Cassi,
Was it two days ago that you spoke to your father for the first time in 16 years? So does it feel that the empty spots in your chest feel fuller? I feel like I have ice in my guts just thinking about it, but I know the feeling of having that thing that needs to be there and has never been.
I had no such feeling when my mother died. Most people think she left a void, but she will always be with me in her way. No, I feel an empty spot where I should have had a father. I feel an empty spot where a family should have been. These are things I never had and it was the never having that was so much the spring of pain.
There are so many things in this life I missed out on and most of them due to that deep cut in my soul that left me so drained of blood. Crying over that time lost will give me no solace so I try not to think about the ghosts of might have been. Still their moaning never leaves my ears. Even now they haunt me keeping me awake when sleep should drag me into beloved silence.
If I could have the silence every day for just a few hours a day I think I could put a few of those ghosts to bed. I can never say if that will fill those empty bits in my chest until the deed is done. I can tell you it will always be worth a try.
Whatever happens live life. Live it as best you can because there is no turning back. The world we leave behind us is a cold one and the shadows that envelop it are fitting.

Let us always move toward the warmth,

Richard Leland Neal