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Monday, January 7, 2013

Battle with Junk

22nd May 2012
Dear Cassi,

Monday was a so-so day for me but today I was just useless. I recall that I took a sleeping pill just after six on Sunday and fell quickly to sleep. I was in bed until nine the next morning when I finally worked up the energy to stand.
Monday was a day full of laundry, dishes, and cleaning. I’ve been working for more than two weeks now and I have hardly cleared one room from the grip of the clutter that has consumed my life. I feel like I’ve been in a coma for the last ten years. It was some kind of waking coma where I was sleepwalking through my life. The result is trash and garbage in every room of my home.
The big problem with my depression is that it was spawned by a dysfunctional environment. That environment grew more problematic as my condition worsened until this manifestation is what I came to know. It is a beast to fight, wear down, and kill. Still, the doing of the thing takes time.
I’m told that if you took someone with my problem and fixed everything for them then it would just get messed up again. There is no way to resolve my problems other than to take them head on. No one can do this for me.     
In the nature of this I need to find my footing and stand against the currents. The trek to stable ground is slippery and studded with jagged rock. I wonder if I will ever know what it is to stand tall and unfettered again.

Never give up, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal