Wednesday, October 31, 2012
14th May 2012
I told you about my neighbor’s son hitting my car yesterday. Today I got the estimate and it isn’t pretty. It was the kind of not pretty that made my neighbor think he should report the problem to his insurance. I think I found someone selling the part for a hundred dollars so if I have I’ll just order it and have him give me the money.
It looked much worse than it was in the morning with the blur of sleep still in my eyes and no coffee to start my day. I didn’t want to look at, drive, or even think about the car at first. Pickles made comments about it after telling me and I asked him to let the subject drop for the morning.
There was nothing I could do about the whole thing so I figured it was best to put it out of my mind. Falstaff came over and apologized for his transgression and it was the first time we had a conversation in the last ten years.
It reminded me that we were good friends ones and I still have no true idea as to why that changed. I would have to say that we drifted apart, but truth be told I think we were just too different to hang out together.
There was a time in his life that he just kind of got lost and shut himself in and he never talked about why. His father gave me bits and pieces of the story here and their but Falstaff has just drifted through the last few years of his life with no idea what to do with himself. It’s said because he is a rather intelligent fellow and could do so much more.
Keep a sure heading, little sister
Richard Leland Neal
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
13th May 2012
The wound I opened nearly a month ago was far from ready to be worked. The memories I have wakened sent me into a deep depression and even now I fight to clear the feeling from my head. I’ve been in a stupor for some time now but then I’ve always been in a stupor. I’ve spent most of my life in some kind of sleep and now I’m just fighting to wake up.
What jogged me today was the information that my neighbor’s son had hit my car when backing out with his father’s truck. This is the fellow I called Falstaff and he is very much a man. By this I mean that he makes me look small even with the more than three hundred pounds of bulk.
None the less my car has a cracked fender and the alignment is off. The thing fells like it can’t take the road well. I think what happened is that the fender cracked and the car was pushed into the curb.
To say that I’m angry is a understatement of some degree. My car wouldn’t have been in the street had it not been for Falstaff’s father asking me to park their so he could do something to my house trim.
Oh, yes, as another point I had to have my skylight and other wood bits of the outer areas of my home painted or I would have lost my insurance coverage. It’s been a difficult few weeks for me with that and school and now this business.
Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take
Richard Leland Neal
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
19th April 2012
Another point that has sat with me when I read over the letter detailing my last conversation with Turtle Nose is my omission of the statement ‘I want you to be a part of my life’ which came directly before ‘isn’t there something I can do to make it up to you?’
I believe the word is ‘bromantic’ as romance is something one does with the person of the opposite sex that they love bromance is something one does with his bros as an expression of deep friendship.
However, I see no friendship in his remark. For one, his refusal to call me by my name was more than just a joke. This was his way of denying who I am and inserting his character in my place. Turtle Nose wanted his imaginary friend back.
How can we tell that it is not me he wished to have in his life? Well, he made it impossible for me to be a part of his life. Think about all those folks who believed his lies and now lay hatred upon my head. In short, they hate me for being offended. Offence is an emotion so they hate me for having emotion. If I am to be hated for my human frailties then to please these folks I would have to be inhuman.
I will grant that this is natural for Turtle Nose’s state of being. You will recall that he hated dogs for being dogs and cats for being cats. Thus, he was offended by my humanity as he was also offended by yours.
He wanted me to be a part of his life at the expense of my own. The smallest thing I asked for was too much for him to tolerate, but he would ask for my life as if I could rise from the dead. I could give nothing to a man so greedy and the more that is given the more he will want.
Live free, little sister
Richard Leland Neal
Monday, October 8, 2012
18th April 2012
Well, I have a scar to open and a bit of business to get out of my guts. Emotional scars are just like real ones in that regard. They can leave things in you that will keep you sick for years if you fail to get the whole bit out.
You will recall that it was at a very dark moment in my life that I last talked to Turtle Nose. I was soon to lose my job but had worked my last day with the company. My world was collapsing in on itself and hearing from that fellow was the last thing I wanted to happen to me.
Well, depression kept me from writing an accurate letter. The account was just too jarring for me to finish. There is a good amount of shame in my chest for those actions and even now recalling them is not easy.
You may remember that it was more than a month after the fact when I wrote you of what had happened. The one thing I left out that I had to say was that my last words to Turtle Nose were “Do you really think you can lie to me after all these years?” I know I’ve forgotten something he said in there somewhere but I recall that one question that I had omitted from my letter on the subject.
The pain that comes to me is that I knew he was a liar and never called him on it until then. Here was a thing that put so little value on our friendship that he would not get my name right. He expected me to put up with every bit of crap he sent my way and he thought that I believed his bull all this time.
I’m disappointed in myself, Cassi, disappointed that I let this business go on for so long and disappointed that I called so poor a quality of folks my friends who would walk away from me so easily.
Cast out the lies, little sister
Richard Leland Neal