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Sunday, December 31, 2017

Like Nose Hair - C. S. Woodbridge

Friday, December 29, 2017


4th November 2017
Dear Cassi,

A friend of mine is losing her apartment. It falls on me as one of the few folks who care to help her with finding a home for her two cats before she moves to another state. I figure I’m going to talk a good deal about this woman for the next few letters so I’m going to give her a name for our conversation.

I name this friend Devium which is Latin for wayward.  If there is a way I could describe her life it would be that it is wayward so that is the best name I can give her.

In any case, Devium has a drive of some thousand miles ahead of her and I had it in my head to search for a home for her cats up in that area in the hope that I may drive for her, driving isn’t a thing Devium is good at, and it’s a good deal easier to drive that distance in one shot if you have company.

I spoke of this with Pickle and he was upset. He first tried to convince me not to go by arguing that if something happened to one of my cats he’d have to rely of PonyGirl to take them to the vet. As if owning cats meant that I could never leave the house.

Funny how Pickle can turn a moment in to something horrible. I mean, was he threatening my animals if I left or just upset that I wouldn’t be cooking for a few days. When you’ve live with a crisis for your whole life the way I have it’s easy to forget about it for a moment. Then it just comes crashing back into your head.

Stay safe, Little Sister,

Richard Leland Neal

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

All with Professionalism

May 26, 2017
My dear friends at the (name) Hotel,

I have seen your ad on CraigsList and believe you may be interested in my services. I have nearly eighteen years as a licensed security officer in the state of California. Across my time in uniformed protection I have worked in positions of all types ranging from industrial plants to residential locations.

Furthermore, I understand the need to treat every person as a potential client or in your case guessed, and I know how to address disorderly persons. I have had extensive experience with emergency medical calls and dealing directly with LAPD. In addition, I have had the experience of giving testimony in court and having my reports used as evidence.

I spent nearly four years in hospitality at a homeless shelter, but had experience with hotels dating back to the nineties. I can assure you that there is very little in the world of security that I haven’t come into contact with, and I’ve learned to address it all with professionalism and a calm demeanor.

Have a good day,

Richard Leland Neal

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

101 Ways to Boost Your Math Skills Book Review

'101 Ways to Boost Your Math Skills' is a self help book that looks amassed from the suggestions of children who have no idea what they're talking about.
Some of the things here are certainly helpful but the big thing is this book is that it tells you to live your life around math. 

If you're going to spend a lot of time doing math you will do better at it but is that how you want to live your life?

This isn't a book for the average person. This is a book for that person who really wants to be an engineer or mathematician.   

Who should read this book? Skeptics 

Books Read: 37 of 5000

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Give so They Buy

7th January 2012
Dear Cassi,
Do you recall the first time you used a computer? I do. It was one of those Apple IIe units with dual floppy drives and a green monochrome screen. Those units were donated to schools by the Apple corporation in a highly successful attempt to promote their product.
I’ve been told that this action caused the only point of domination for Apple computers in the market. Everyone new Apple, so everyone bought Apple. It worked for a spell then the spell wore off and everyone went back to PC and its Windows formatting.
The first time I worked on a color unit was when I went into therapy for my learning disorder. I recall the Jones Clinic rather well. They had a lab of “IBM clones” that I worked on as half of my treatment. These devices were next to useless by today’s standards but I recall them being fun.
After my mother died my father got me a word processor that worked better than any of those computers. That business lasted until my freshman year in high school when I got a real computer. It had a half gig hard drive and sixteen megabytes of ram. That was the going system for 1994 and I thought the world of it back then. There is no greater change in our world than the computer in the last twenty years. At least most of those are for the better.

Stay safe, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Play With Us Book Review

"Play With Us" is a scholastic book that comes from a more innocent time in human history when children could play together without parents and not get kidnapped. 

It is similar to the old Dick and Jane books in that now you don't call people Dick unless you're upset with them. Why is this younger boy playing with even younger girls? Well, because back then little boys didn't have google or R rated movies. They didn't know anything about using their man bits and those girls were perfectly safe. 

Or it could be that back then you didn't talk about the bad things your children when through. My mother was surprisingly tight lipped about her life.

Now if you look at the artwork you'll see that it is superb, water color I believe, and overly suggestive for a children's book by modern standards. The little snots I grew up with would be laughing about this for days. 

In any case, I don't imagine you'll find a copy of this strictly scholastic book, and I'm not sure how it came into my collection. I wouldn't go looking for a copy of this one.

Who Should Read this Book? Those with clean mind. 

Books read: 36 out of 5000

Thursday, November 23, 2017

My First Book of Words Illustrated By Jan Palmer Book Review

'My First Book of Words' Illustrated By Jan Palmer is just what it says it is a group of illustrations with words attached. It's a book designed to help children learn the names of things. 

I will say that the lettering could be bigger and placed in a more uniform position that would aid in clarity and understanding. Still this book is a useful learning tool for those trying to teach their children. 

Then I will also need to point out that we normal call it a hot dog not a frankfurter. Then again the name is accurate and I guess I've always know what it was. 

Who should read thing book? Children Learning How to read.

Books read 35 of 5000

Friday, November 3, 2017

Quality Assurance Clerk

27th October 2016

My Dear Friends,

I take interest in your position as a “Quality Assurance Clerk” as I have a BA in Psychology and a background in Uniformed Security where my duties were to observe and report. For eighteen years I have been assessing and reporting on situations from the mundane to the inexplicable.  I understand the need to report what I see rather than to make assumptions, and I understand the fallibility of human memory and the extreme need to take adequate notes.

Moreover, I have spent four years working with the homeless who have mental issues, and I have a good understanding of the needs of mental health clients. I worked with violent cases, talked clients down from suicide, and addressed health issues like bedbugs and scabies. 

If there is a problem you’re looking for I should have no trouble finding it and addressing or reporting its nature.


Richard Leland Neal

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Movie Man

27th October 2016

Hello Friends,

I saw your ad on Craig’s List and I happened to be a YouTube movie critic. It’s not that I’m famous or anything like that but having more movies to review would certainly help me out some and posting on your website should help promote my existing work.

Now, am I great at what I do? No, not really, I’ve tried to up my game over the years but I’m still a nobody in the business. I think this is a great opportunity for me to expand my review list with newer films.

I’ll enclose a link to my channel and you can see it for yourself.



Monday, October 30, 2017

Feeling Sick

8th January 2012
Dear Cassi,

The first assignment I turned in to grad school was given a do over. I guess I should be glad they let me rewrite it, but I rather felt the teacher was less than tactful about the whole thing. I mean, she wanted a more “professional” paper, but we are just students.
It was my first paper for this school, and I had no idea what to expect. Not only that but I turned it in a full day before any other student. You would think that would have counted for something. I did turn the second copy in last out of the class I think, however, I was still within the standard due dates so I should not be penalized.
I’m so sick at this point that I can only work for a good forty minutes at a time. Around that time I need to stop and sleep some. I have no memory of ever coughing this hard, and that has to have a negative impact on my work.
I feel rotten and I perform in a rotten manner. The worst of this is that having one bad week in this grad school can have a much larger impact on your grade than in most other schools. I think the teachers are a little more understanding, but as a graduate student a C is no longer considered a passing grade.
To add insult to injury the two classes I have do not operate on the same standard for what is and is not acceptable in a paper. One class requires me to post the work in the forum and the other as an attachment. One class requires two page papers and the other five. The whole thing is a jumble of loosely fitting parts made to be a cart but swishing across the road hither and thither with no real direction.

I hope you feel better than I,

Richard Leland Neal

Friday, October 27, 2017

Books of Learning


Dear Children's Books (Publisher),

What you have here is a children's picture book manuscript written in rhyme and teaching children the difference between pear the fruit and pair as in two things with some mention of to pare.  

I yield to your better authority how it is all to be edited and produced. I have only the experience of reading to children as my guide in the area. I do know something of art work and printing so I can easily understand what limitations you set up. The poem is fifty-two lines but how many lines appear on one page is up to you.

I have been published three times in the past as a poet in periodicals. Once with my junior high school and twice in high school but have submitted nothing professionally.

Thank you for your time,

Richard Leland Neal   

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Weekend Overnight Counselor

18th August 2017

Dear (Employer),

I take interest in your position as a Weekend Overnight Counselor as I hold a BA in Psychology, have worked nights for more than ten years, and have four years of experience working with at risk youth in a residential setting. I can say that having been a Safety and Security Officer for four years I’ve experienced humanity at its most dirty, and I’ve learned something in the way of life skills. My clients always told me that I took the time needed to address problems that they had, provide a clear directive, and overall made them feel safe.

 I’m also the kind of man you’d want in an emergency. I’ve called for emergency services more than a hundred times, I know how to talk to 911 operators, and I know how to prevent clients from going into shock before help arrives. I’ve deescalated violent clients and talked people down from suicide. There is very little in this world that can surprise me.


Richard Leland Neal

Monday, October 23, 2017

Preferably with Restroom

17th August 2017

Salutations Friends,

 I was just looking over your ad on Craigslist and noted that I may be right for your position as a graveyard Security Officer. I’ve maintained a Guard Card since nineteen ninety eight and am currently employed as a night guard.

I currently do many of the things that I would be required to in your position so the job would be very similar. I’m rather happy in my work save for one minor issue. It would appear as though the Officer I work with is rather territorial regarding the portable toilet.

When I addressed my concerns with management it was suggested that I use the bushes rather than the portable so as not to offend the other officer.  I have complied with this request, but I feel that this work environment isn’t for me. 

I’m sure you can understand,

Richard Leland Neal

Friday, October 20, 2017

Cover Letter to a Homeless Shelter

15th October 2016

My Dear Friends at the (Homeless Shelter) Center,

I am a security officer with eighteen years of experience and four of those were spent at the nearby (other Homeless Shelter). I’m sure you know it well, and further, know that in my time there I learned many of the points needed to function in your organization. I still go to visit Sister (Nun) from time to time.    

I’ve come to feel a great deal of pride in my work with the LGBT community and would like to continue that work with your organization. It has always been my way to see everyone as a person first rather than as an orientation or label and that has always worked out for me.

I know I would fit in well at your center and be a positive influence on clients and staff.

We are all one people,

Richard Leland Neal 

Thursday, October 19, 2017

101 Ways to Do Better in School: Book Review

"101 Ways to Do Better in School" is a rather outdated volume that brings back things that I was told in grade school that simply aren't true. In a way, this is a book about how to lead a better life that applied to the best logic of the 80's. 

This book was a fast read but had limited use in the modern times.  A good number of things in this book are common sense items like eating right and keeping yourself organized. 

I would have to point out that most folks who are organized probably already do well in school and most of us disorganized people are this way because we have too much going on in our lives. 

Who should read this book? People who don't know how to people. 

Books Read 34 of 5000

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The Dead Man's Ugly Couches

31st January 2015
Dear Cassi,
So, Pickle had a busy day. It comes that he was to help Yule move and I’m not sure he accomplished that as he got into an argument with Pony Girl about McDonalds. Apparently, Pony Girl feels that rich people have earned their money and have a right to mistreat poor people.
That would be Pony Girl for you, evil to the core and justifying her own ill treatment of people by some half logic. So, now Pickle and Pony Girl are upset with one another and I have to worry over Pickle and his logistical needs.
This is particularly irksome and Pickle once promised that I wouldn’t need to drive him around in exchange for him ignoring the family’s poor treatment of me. Now he still turns a blind eye to things and I have to drive him around.
To add another level of odd, Pickle accepted two linking couches that once belonged to my deceased cousin. These are faded, ugly, green affairs, tainted with the smoke of cigarettes and holed with their burns. They are in some better shape than the couches in the house, but these simply don’t fit well and frankly are uncomfortable.

I would love to take a moment and sit down to reflect on things but there is no way I can sit down on a dead man’s couch and do so. At least I know those to can still fight.

Live every day, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal 

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Masquerade by Gayle Lynds Book Review

Masquerade by Gayle Lynds is a spy novel in the level of absurd passing that of James Bond. It revolves around a woman who has been surgically altered so perfectly that it would need to have been by the best surgeon who ever lived. 

She is used as bate for one of the most dangerous 
assassins who ever lived, but she isn't sure they have told her the truth.

Now, this wouldn't be a spy novel if they had told her the truth so it's kind of predictable in that regard. Further, the plot has more twists than a taffy factory.

Did I enjoy this book? Not really, it was hard to keep all the names in my head.  The plot was so twisted that it was difficult to remember who was working for who when and the text was less than engaging. This is the kind of book women read to escape a life of boredom.

Who should read this book? Women who want to be turned attractive and have sex with a spy.  

Books Read 33 of 5000

Monday, October 16, 2017

Play for the Right Reasons

6th January 2015
Dear Cassi,

Being a man as large as I am it should be no surprise to you that I was encouraged to play football in high school. Never having a love for sports I agreed but it was a terrible fit. For one I was one of three white men on a team full of the kind of folks who boo the American flag and talk about how much they hate this country.
The players hated me for being who I was and the coach hated me because I wasn’t dedicated. Well, he felt that all players needed to have sixth period Physical Education and as I couldn’t take that class he never let me play. He couldn’t keep me off the team, though he should have, but he didn’t have to let me participate.
Now I was so large a man that when I did get to practice, when too few players arrived for us to scrimmage, I could stop the varsity team from moving the ball. As a freshman I was proud of myself for this fact, but it gave me no playing time. 
Then I would have made a poor player. I was large and bulky but slow, slow because of the depression that marred me, and slow because I was so big. If I had played I never would have been able to maintain for the game.
Then again, most of the players only preformed their drills when the coach wasn’t watching, and no one wanted to win so much as they wanted to play. I gained an experience from football but it was only the merest of anecdotes in my life.

Play for the right reasons, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal

Friday, October 13, 2017

Believe These Skills

25th October 2016

Dear (Censored) Institute,

I take interest in your position for a Behavior Therapist as I have a BA in Psychology from (University) and four years of experience working with the homeless of Hollywood. I worked with eighteen to twenty four year olds, many of them drug addicts and violent cases, in a safety and security setting. I was even injured once when a client became violent and broke a clock over my face. I would have to think that children can’t be much more dangerous. 

I developed a reputation for being patient and understanding. It was important to take every case as an individual problem had by a distinct person. There were no once size fits all cures, and the clients I worked with needed to know that I really cared about them.

I believe these skills will translate to your needs,

Richard Leland Neal

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Internet Archive

15th October 2016
Dear Internet Archive,

I take something of an interest in your posting for a book digitizer. I’ll grant you my work in security is out of left field for what you’re looking for, but a Security Officer is professionally patient. I can lift more than 100 pounds and have had a great deal of experience with scanners and digital photography.  I currently use a Canon 60D.

I do have a degree in Psychology and I understand the need to keep my research materials clean and understandable. I have worked jobs were my actions save lives and I imagine that the books aren’t going to come in under the influence of drugs or do anything nasty. Compared to what I do this is an easy job.

You have a safe day,

Richard Leland Neal