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Friday, April 5, 2013

What is Wrong with Me


1/27/13
Sadly, Randi, what’s wrong with me isn’t something that’s going away any time soon. In the nature of what I have it is primarily mental and the structures of the brain have been as they are for a very long time. I like to think that my persistent depression is some primitive part of my brain thinking that I would outlive the bad parts of my life and saving all the energy for all the good.

The truth is that it will take an intense process to change the structure of my brain and mold me into something other than a deeply depressed, mentally unstable person. There is a bizarre irony in this as my job involves settling the unsettled, but I do regulate well in light of my problems. I would estimate that if I could take nine to twelve weeks and focus on a cognitive fix to my problems that I may pull through to a state of proper mental health. That would be a time with all the other ample problems of my life set aside and we all know that can never happen.

Every day I go through exercises to heal my mind and have been in this practice now for three years.  Still my condition persists in a dogged way and no end looms on the horizon. Even as the hours pass and I read and review the work of my fellow students I take time to work on the rebuilding of my mind. 

Mine is a lonely chore and every weekend I say that this will be the last that I spend using the walls of my home as armor against the world and a prison for my mind.  Then five days pass and I find myself in another stupor trying to crawl out of my depression.

Well, on a lighter note here is a link to a picture of my cats the first day I found them http://randomstreet.blogspot.com/2012/11/issue-246-kitties.html