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Friday, April 5, 2013

What is Wrong with Me

Sadly, Randi, what’s wrong with me isn’t something that’s going away any time soon. In the nature of what I have it is primarily mental and the structures of the brain have been as they are for a very long time. I like to think that my persistent depression is some primitive part of my brain thinking that I would outlive the bad parts of my life and saving all the energy for all the good.

The truth is that it will take an intense process to change the structure of my brain and mold me into something other than a deeply depressed, mentally unstable person. There is a bizarre irony in this as my job involves settling the unsettled, but I do regulate well in light of my problems. I would estimate that if I could take nine to twelve weeks and focus on a cognitive fix to my problems that I may pull through to a state of proper mental health. That would be a time with all the other ample problems of my life set aside and we all know that can never happen.

Every day I go through exercises to heal my mind and have been in this practice now for three years.  Still my condition persists in a dogged way and no end looms on the horizon. Even as the hours pass and I read and review the work of my fellow students I take time to work on the rebuilding of my mind. 

Mine is a lonely chore and every weekend I say that this will be the last that I spend using the walls of my home as armor against the world and a prison for my mind.  Then five days pass and I find myself in another stupor trying to crawl out of my depression.

Well, on a lighter note here is a link to a picture of my cats the first day I found them


  1. Oh kitties! After the week and a half I had, I needed a reason to smile. My daughter and dachshund were attacked by a pit bull. My daughter and her best friend were only superficially wounded. My sweet Niles did not make it. Throughout my life, I have been a cat person. Given the opportunity, I would take in every stray cat I found. Some would say there were times when I have done just that. We currently have 4. My husband loves our cats dearly, but likens them to living with an anti-social drug addict. They sit in the corner and stare off into space and throw up on the rug. I have yet to meet a cat I didn't love and who didn't love me in return. In the days since the passing of my beloved Niles, the cats have stuck to me like glue. Animals know when they are needed. And there's no medicine like four-legged love when your heart is broken

    As much as I would take in every stray cat I found, dogs are different. No matter how crappy your day, they are still excited to see you. Niles would whimper at the door when my kids weren't home. I grew up afraid of dogs, but fell in love with the dachshund breed when I was young. Or thought I did. I realize much later that I could have been grossly mistaken and ended up hating the breed. Dog ownership is like parenthood, you can't prepare for it until you're living it. Niles made me love the breed. So much I can't imagine my home without a wiener dog. It took a special dog to make me open my heart to canines. His "son" will have big paws to fill. Niles wasn't a dog. He was my baby.

    Now that I've awkwardly poured my heart out here... I think it takes a special person to love animals. Your kitties are in good hands.

    1. Oh, I think both the kitties and I are in good hands as hardly is the day that I do not wake with them beside me.

      To tell you what kind of man I am I have also picked up a six year old chocolate lab who was wandering around my block. The poor old dog has been in a fight and has scars. It looks like he was dumped. Looking after animals is something I grew up with so now I have four cats and, at least for a time, two dogs. Go figure.

  2. At the time we met, my husband had two orange tabbies that he credits with literally saving his life. A home is not a home without animals. I've had cats in my life since I was 5.

    Labs are beautiful animals. There is a sweet and very neglected Rottweiler roaming our neighborhood. The kids of the neighborhood have tried to find her a home, but every time they do, the original owner shows up and demands that she be returned to him. Sad situation. And animal control in this area is essentially useless. They can't even legally force the owner of the pit bull who killed my dog to fix their fence before returning the dog to them tomorrow. There's justice for you, I guess.