Hands Off My Pie

11^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

Over the weekend I baked five pies and woke this evening to find the Pickles had eaten one. A full eight inch pie disappeared down his gut. Not that this should have surprised me as he has done things like this before and claimed he “lost control”. My feeling on the subject is that he just likes pie.

       

However, Pickles has always been a fellow who believed that he could blame his actions on the outside world and get away with it as he has done for years. We call this an “external Locus of control” in psychology and note that most folks who have them tend to be happier with who they are feeling that they are not to blame.

       

I asked Pickles if he had offered one of the pies to Mickey who had been over to install my range hood. I hadn’t asked the man myself only because I had no idea if any of the pies were left. Pickles could have eaten every one. Pickles said that he had not and I sent him over to deliver a nice sweet potato pie.

       

As I only had the pies because Pickles had sweet potatoes that he wanted to get rid of so I guess it’s should be no big thing that he had one but he could have saved some for me. If we gave away all four of the other pies then I would have wondered what they tasted like. When I make a pie we always split one so see how my cooking works but this time He had the whole thing.

       

I hope you live with less greedy folks than I.

Stay safe, little sister

Richard Leland Neal

Do Not Go to Detention

10^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

Yesterday I told you of the one time I was given detention. If it had ended there I think I would have forgotten the whole thing by now. No this was an illustration of the failed support network that I had as a young man.

       

I took this issue to Alan who, as my guardian, had the responsibility to defend my interest. First, the old man made a dirty joke. “Look, Rick, there are only so many times I can sleep with your teachers to get you out of trouble.” Making my problems a perverted joke was a bad idea for a man who earned his Master’s in psychology.

Then the old pervert said that I should pick my battles and that the principal was in the business of being in charge. I think the reason why this stuck with me is that I had a person I was to call ‘Dad’ who refused to look after my interests. It’s a cold feeling to know so much injustice and be so unable to defend yourself.

       

That empty spot in my chest where family should be over the years filled with ice. I have always been a cold man, but I am so because it is who I needed to be to live in this world.

       

As an epilogue, I never served detention as I arrived for it and was told I could leave. The darkness and the dim of my life is not without those points of light we would call stars.

I still am without the knowledge of why I was paroled. Did that fellow know of my character or did he know of the misconduct of his superiors? The truth is unknown.

Stay strong, little sister

Richard Leland Neal

110% - Adam Gropman

 

Heifer Far from Home - Irish Proverb

 

I Love Kitties

I must say that I’m a sucker for a furry face, and this old tomcat was one that I will never forget. My sister took him when she moved out and left me with a hundred pounds of poop factory with teeth at one end.

What was going through my head when I wrote this I have no idea. I guess it was something I wanted to remember.  

23^rd August 2006

So I just had one of those adult moments. You know the ones you always hear about like the first time you had to fish something out of the toilet yourself.

Okay, so everybody knows my first adult moment happened when I was nine, and I said, “I’m going to the story everybody make a list,” but this one was the first adult moment that didn’t suck.

           

My cat, Trouble, brought me a lizard. He just brought it in, plopped it down, and sat there as if to say “look what I did, daddy, aren’t you proud?” Well, he didn’t even kill the thing, but I just left it out in the garden with the hope of it running away.

           

That’s Trouble for you, my youngest cat, a big black beast with yellow eyes and strange red hair on his chest. I named him after me. He’s trying to be cuddly at the moment because someone (who is short lazy and of dubious hygiene) locked him in the garage all night and he left us a present in the laundry.  

           

All that business and it still gratifying to know that he thinks I’m the big cat. 

Smart Fish

 

Neither - Four Weddings and a Funeral

 

Sci Fi Editors

One of the pitfalls of posting letters daily as opposed to three times a week is that good, bad, whatever, you have to post.

The hope is that I can keep up daily posting for at least sixty days in order to get a good base going. The one thing I do have to say about that is that if you read something you don’t like wait a day and you might find something you do.

9^th November 2011

Dear Editors,

I am an unpublished author in any paying market, but I did place a few poems in my High School publication back in the day.

My story is called ‘Prodigal’ and runs 7,515 words. It involves an alien life form from a hive culture and his struggle for life.

There is only one human character who plays a very small part in this odd story. The story is certainly not new but it plays into the modern feelings of fear, uncertainty, and isolation that permeate today’s life. 

Thank you for your time,

Richard Leland Neal

Time for Wellness

 

Cover Letter to a Museum

I know, I know, I’m putting out a lot of cover letters here. Well, I am posting every day for you.

1^st November 2011

Dear Human Resources at (Museum),

I am responding to your ad for an Assistant Manager of Security posted online.

I have worked as a licensed Security Officer since 1998 and experienced some of the most intractable security situations imaginable. I am very used to dealing with the difficult situations that arise in security and again very familiar with many forms of security procedure.

In addition, it was this year that I earned a Bachelor’s of the Arts in Psychology from (stare College). I have a firm understanding of the human mind, the criminal element, and the potential for human error.

Payment options will depend somewhat on the working conditions and the average pay of your current security staff. I never ask more than honest work for honest pay, but every work-site has its own problems so the work involved will vary.

Thank you for your time,

Richard Leland Neal

No Prayer - Natasha Isabelle

Images: a Poem

Richard Leland Neal as an idiot 16 year old

Having found this on an old floppy disk I can say that it took me back to a time in my life I hated. This is a poem I wrote back in July of 1995, high school, and the old place was a dump I wanted to stay in forever.

 In other words, these are the words of an idiot fifteen year old. I had to do some major editing because back then I was suffering from the worst depression of my life and couldn't write much. My damaged brain simply didn't have the energy to form words and so reading any of my work from that time is like looking through a fog. Well, find what meaning you will in this, I sure did. 

Images

 by Richard Leland Neal

a world of  beautiful images

a world I cannot enter

like a chorus of  life

I sit in an audience

 my peers in this cold computers

they have no soul, they have no god

no will no mind no reason

there glowing screens looking in to the world

but they stare expressionless at me

 I am one of them

I reach for an image from the cold of the crowds

 my hand is stopped

as if  by a wall that holds me back

and I strain to bridge the gap of empty solid air

as I push harder and harder

beads of sweat dot my brow

drops of  blood streak my hand

sweat flowing, blood running

stinging pain and yet I persist

muscles tens and shaking

my eyes monitor the slow progress

I finely bridge the gap and stop

the distance the trials and no reward

for I think is it worth it

to stain the image that was my goal

destroy it with my blood

and then in bold

no!

I am not worthy of their world

then a wall on either side

the two worlds of beauty and of cold resist me

but it is not even the sting

that the devils make that would drive to allow

the passage out of my frozen hell

the reason for this is so plain to me

the reason is this you see

no point, no plot,

 no common ground lies between either

In my world it seems I soar aloft and am looking down

but I'm like a worm in the ground

I am lower than low

I can't be found

Like a part of a broken puzzle

I have no match

I’m searching out a missing piece

that has ceased to exist

The Key to Heaven - Mosie Lister

Dettention

9^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

        One of the events that sits ill in my gut from middle school is the one time I was given detention. The full details of the dispute I cannot recall. What I do remember is that one of the girl students sprayed something in my eyes and I, being the eleven year old fool I was, ran forward ramming into her.

        According to the state of California, to the best of my knowledge, she committed assault. Spitting on someone or making any unwanted physical contact is assault. In the eyes of the law I was defending myself. To my teachers it was a different story.

        The principal wanted to let the subject drop, but I was eager to see it resolved. She walked away ignoring me, but I followed her not permitting the issue to fall through the cracks. She had so far refused to talk to me at all about it and I was to put my words in. I had seen enough bull at school and I knew that letting things drop would never do because I would deal with them another day.

Well, if this was an issue of my being a male or that she felt folks of my skin tone had no rights I do not know. As result, I have always thought of teachers as folks with prejudice as my experience gives proof.

        You see it was I who got in trouble that day. The principal refused to even hear what I had to say. “Don’t you think that ramming into a girl is worth detention?” she said. The fact that I had been first attacked and that, if nothing else, we were both wrong never entered into the equation.

        Had my middle school been a better place this would surprise me but I knew it was a puddle of societal filth even then. In a place like that you will find a few good teachers, but only so very few as cannot stem the tides of ignorance.

Know thyself, little sister

Richard Leland Neal

What the Stupidest People Might do - Bill Maher

Rub Your Eye - Irish Proverb

 

Hit a Girl

8^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

       

As a child all three of us had nicknames. Then as children we all have nicknames I guess. Among all the nicknames I have had I recall one my mother gave me, “Hair of the Goldenrod” because at the time my hair was the color of spun gold. I do recall my most common nickname was dweeb. Dweeb is a word that means socially inept or overly studious. I guess it fits.

       

My male sibling was Pickle Puss or Slow dependant on the year but I believe Pickle Puss lasted longer. It is a coincidence that he started getting rather bad zits and the name fit. Still, he did love pickles. So then I should call him pickles because hearing his name bothers me.

       

Then to my female sibling, well, she had a good number of derogatory names. The only one that I can truly use would be Bam-Bam because of her tendency to hit people. Bam-Bam ran about expecting her female nature to protect her from retribution.

       

You can trust me on this she was spoiled rotten and I can’t say why. Yes, she did have a pony, yes she had her own room when the two boys had to share one, but still the origin of her evil nature is unknown to me.

       

I recall her using my mother’s death for sympathy. She even joked about leaving the invitations for my mother’s funeral where her teachers could find them.

       

On second thought, I’ll forget the Bam-Bam is a girl. Hmmm, let’s call her Pony Girl from now on. It reminds me of a novel I read back in middle school.

Know evil when you see it, little sister

Richard Leland Neal 

Pills with a Hammer

7^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

My medication is hitting me like a hammer but the pain in my back is lessoning. I told the doctor that I had a kidney inflammation and they said it was muscular. Then I took medication for anxiety and could finally sleep. I wake late and want to stay in bed, but the pain is slowly running out of my body with every trip to the lavatory.

       

It runs out of me like yellow pus bringing the relief that one finds in such a thing. Still, I’m almost bed ridden with my body feeling as a large weight. I wither at everything I do and can only hope that I can make another day pass.

       

At work I am the walking dead. I try to keep my eyes open but they sneak shut. I can hardly drag myself to the computer now. I drew a few comics last week and sat at my desk for hours doing it then took them to work at sat at my workstation struggling with the night and its reports.

       

Every day I think I feel better then I just stand up and feel the mass of my frame. I drink coffee until I’m sick and when I have the strength toddle off to the store and by energy drinks.

       

Still every day I get a little of myself back. I’m posting comics again. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Turn your gaze upward, little sister

Richard Leland Neal

Prayer and Faith - Gloria Copeland

Stars - Irish Proverb

 

The Road to Hell

Okay, this is a short one but I think it’s worth posting.

Believe it or not this is a response to a facebook status post. One of my college friends was telling the world at large that her life belonged to her.

If anyone that reads this has lived in a dysfunctional family then these words should ring true with you.

7^th November 2011

I’ve always felt that it is one thing to offer advice, and another to keep offering advice that people don’t take.

The first thing is being a friend and the second is being a saboteur as you soon find yourself spending more energy arguing over advice than dealing with your problem.

In this way even those who honestly believe they are helping you are getting in the way.

This would be an example of the old adage “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.”

Skillful Mariner - English Proverb

Questions about Webcomics

I wrote this letter at some time in my life that my brain was just so burnt and battered that it should have made good eating. I’d like to think that I’ve level off some but it’s doubtful.

In any case I sent this to the wrong email address so it was never delivered but the answers are if you add an ad to your side, no, yes.

10/03/2010

This is an odd situation. I have a webcomic that I started about two years ago, but my webmaster is giving me some major problems and I'm thinking of switching to your site and I have some questions.

Question one: would I be posting comics for the privilege of posting or do I get ad revenue?

No one gets rich off webcomics, but I post a comic every day now, and if I’m doing it for the fun I think that might drop off some.

Question two: do you mind if I post comics from the other site?

I have no idea why you would, because I'll stop updating the old site but its only polite to ask.

Question three: if my comic gets popular and I can't make money off your site can I transfer it later or post a link for a new comic on your site?

Right now I have 2 comics "Max Space" and "Jonny American" I could put one up on your site and keep the other for my own site if I wanted to.

I know this is a lot to get through in one mail, but I got this thing about honesty: I believe in it. It's better to be upfront now than to have problems in the future.

Thanks,

Richard Leland Neal

Addicted to the Hokey Pokey

 

A Fool and His Comic’

Okay this isn’t most compelling web conversation but, as the title implies, I’m the fool. However, I’m talking to a fool who thinks that he has found a book as important to him as the bible and he is a devout Charismatic Christian.

If you recall your history handing folks a second bible has never been a good idea.

On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 10:08 AM, Richard Neal 

Well, here are my first two comics I just scanned them in yesterday and you can see I had some problems but I think they will get better as things get on. sorry no color yet

Date: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 9:47 AM Foolish Person

You should consider a post to go with each comic. 

On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 1:48 PM, Richard Neal 

I don't get your meaning

Date: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 1:05 PM Foolish Person

For every comic you make you need 2-3 paragraphs telling the story about how this happened to you or a friend or whatever. You're funny to listen to and people would enjoy what you have to say. It'll help your webpage views when you begin to put them online. 

On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 2:19 PM, Richard Neal 

Yeah, I've learned that this material is funnier to some then others to be honest. Then I don't laugh at (a popular comic) either and still go see what is new every day. Anyway I sent the prototype web page to (web designer) this morning and hopefully I'll have it up by the 31st. though I have to say that not all of these frames are from real life some are just things I thought up.

Date: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 1:24 PM Foolish Person

Keep me updated. On a side note my show is coming along well. I need a boom and a lighting kit but what I've done is looking better and better. I'm reading a book about script writing that I value almost as much as the bible. Its drastically improved my writing. We'll see what happens. 

On Wed, May 27, 2009 at 2:31 PM, Richard Neal 

That’s funny, I just got a book like that for one of my classes. Are you using the 11 point or three act format?

Date: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 1:36 PM Foolish Person

3 act. What's 11 point? 

Date: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, (no time recovered)  Richard Neal 

11 point is a set of circumstances that happen in a script that details things like the inciting event, legitimate attempt, and drastic attempt, it’s in chapter four in my book here I read about it Monday. 

People in a Hurry - Sydney J. Harris

Walk Not On

6^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

Today I commit to memory George Washington’s sixth rule of civility and decent behavior: “Sleep not when others Speak, Sit not when others stand, Speak not when you should hold your Peace, walk not on when others Stop.” This is only the nature of what is polite.

       

When visitors come to the lobby I try to stand and greet them as this puts us at eye level and permits level talking. The nature of this nicety is one that I have violated far too much in my life and I will have to work on living up to this standard. 

       

‘Sleep not when other speak’ is a given, but ‘speak not when you should hold your peace’ is a bit harder to understand. On one point I think it means that you should never go about interrupting people or speaking ill of your friends, just as a man should hold his peace when in the company of a woman and thinking of a dirty joke.

       

Further, folks should never repeat things their friends say in jest that may be misconstrued. It is thus impolite to be the maker of gossip or the conveyer of gossip. It is also clear to understand that there are some things we should not say in public true or false. One should never talk of death when a baby is born nor speak ill of a man at his funeral.

       

Now ‘Walk not on when others stop’ is just common sense. If someone stops they do so with reason and walking on shows a lack of concern and respect. Again, one would think this rule is common sense but such a thing is never common and often quite costly.

Live in civility in this world gone mad

Richard Leland Neal

Looks Good On the Wall

5^th April 2012

Dear Cassi,

As early as I can remember my room had these curtains made of wood and string. They had the colors of autumn and I think they came with the house. Much of the fittings of my home were original during most of my life.

       

As children often do, we had picked these curtains to shreds and made god’s eyes out of the bits. I imagine you have never heard of these bits of yard and wood as they are a product of folklore from the Huichol tribe of northern Mexico.

       

The god’s eye is made of two or more sticks and woven normally with yarn. It is symbolic of knowing that which cannot be known and seeing that which cannot be seen. The eyes were traditionally woven for a child by their father and a central eye is woven at birth then one eye is added every year until the child turns five.

       

The four points made by the sticks are believed to symbolize earth, wind, water, and fire. Why few know and the origin of the eyes in so old much has been forgotten.

       

I imagine these were just something to have children do in day camp for us. I had to look them up to know where they came from. I think the odd bits of bric-a-brac that make up our young lives should be better laid out for us. I would have much preferred to know why those things existed when I made them as a child.

       

Then, it is funny that I never saved any of my god’s eyes with as many as I have made. What happened to them all I can’t say. Perhaps they found their way into the trash. What happens to all the bits we make as children? How did the magic drain from our lives and fall into this dull world?

Keep the joy alive, little sister

Richard Leland Neal