Given the situation Joy faces throughout her story there are three factors at work driving her decisions. Those factors are her perceived worth, the outcome, and her alternatives. Each one changes over the course of her story, but they always come into play. The three factors are present in all relationship decisions people make whether they be love, friendship, or work related.
Joy’s perceived worth is what she expects or thinks she could get from a relationship. If she feels she deserves warmth, love, and affection then her perceived worth reflects that entirely. This is not to be confused with what she wants. We all may want a rich significant other who gives us everything, and is totally devoted to us without question, but how many of us can realistically obtain such a spouse? Worth is what a person believes they can get out of a relationship, or the quality of the partner they think they can get. It has no bases in reality, and unattractive, unintelligent, abusive person may think they deserve to be with the most attractive people on earth. The self worth of an individual is strictly their own opinion, and not always supported by the reality they live in.
The outcome should not be totally confused with what is really happening. Outcome is what Joy perceives her situation is presently. Let us say that Joy met a rich man who took every pain in making her life better, then Joy found out the he got his money through selling drugs. Her perception of him changed. He was a drug pusher when they met, and he stayed one, but she didn’t know about it. Now she could be fine with that, or she could end the relationship, but whatever her action it will deal strictly with how she perceives him not what he really is. Someone may over or underestimate the reality of the situation. As with worth, outcome is the person’s perception of what is happening. The truth is always a little further out than any one person can look.
The last factor is Joy’s perceived alternatives. Again if Joy is in a relationship with a drug dealer and her alternative is that he will kill her if she leaves him she’s probably staying. If she is with a man that is cold or is unfeeling she will stay unless something better comes along. Again, what looks better may prove not to be, and her next man may be just as bad. The driving factors all stem from what Joy thinks not what is truth. What she thinks and what is true may be the same thing, but that will have no outcome on her actions. Only perception drives her. This can be looked at in the same way as buying a car. Yes we do have relationships with are cars even if they are not alive. If the car is in the shop more than it is on the road, then buying a new one is a good alternative to high mechanic bills. On the other hand, a new car will mean new car payments and high insurance rates. The old car is the outcome and the new car is the alternative and weighing the options is something we all do. With cars we have many options and with relationships we normally only have few, but the decision making is the same.
When dealing with her marriage, Joy entered into a situation that she perceived was good. Then it changes, her husband becomes colder and colder, she believes she can do better, and tries to change by working on the relationship. When her husband remains cold and unresponsive being alone became a better alternative for Joy, so she got divorced. After that her divorce her perceived worth changed, and Joy felt that a live alone was what she could get. This may have had something to do with loss of income and having no energy to look for a new love interest. Regardless, the situation both lacked an alternative and Joy sported a low worth. Divorce has a negative effect on income and often can sour a person to new relationships. It was normal for Joy to take time in finding a new love interest.
At some point her perception changed. Joy felt that she deserved love in her life possibly after she had achieves some level of stability. The presence of Kurt provided some alternative, and her situation changed. Kurt never met Joy’s expectations or her perceived worth, but he was better than the alternative of loneliness. This relationship was relatively stable so long as he didn’t worsen and no good alternative was present. This is not to say that Joy might have ended her relationship with Kurt if her perception changed, but that she satisfied with what she had so long as nothing better showed up. Their relationship had reached a delicate balance of being better than nothing, but not all that great.
Kurt showed a lot of the same problems Joy found in her ex-husband. This would lead many people to wonder why she stayed with him at all. These people have never dealt with a divorced couple. Stories of divorced couples remaining sexually active together for years after the marriage is over are common. Joy is driven by basic needs and even though Kurt is little more than a friend with privileges Joy’s needs are, to a degree, being met. It would in no way surprise the learned public if she had some sexual relationship with her ex-husband during her time with Kurt. Kurt fulfils an interdependent role in Joy’s life and not an intimate one.
The presence of Scott, Joy’s coworker, changes the game as now Joy has an alternative to Kurt and being alone. Joy’s self worth hasn’t changed, but what she can get has, and that toppled her unstable relationship. Her future with Scott is uncertain and all we do know is that it will change things. She may find Scott unworthy or a new love interest may come along. The only thing that we know is she thinks she has found something better.
Background: Joy and Kurt, two adults in their late twenties, live diagonally across from one another in the same apartment building. Joy grew up in a warm, loving family where everyone did a lot for each other. Her father was the football coach at a local high school, so Joy's family often talked about sports at the dinner table. In childhood, Joy had frequently played with one or two best friends, often in her home or their's. Even as a child, she had confided in her good friends. She found it easy to become emotionally close to people. As she grew up, Joy matured into a nurturant, cheerful person. She was comfortable depending on others and having them depend on her. When disagreements did arise in her close relationships, she was careful to avoid hurting the other person by being critical or accusing; instead, she tried to focus on the particular problem that had caused the disagreement and to reach a solution that was fair to everyone.
Joy was married at age 22 to a man with who she was very much in love and who she idealized early in the course of the marriage. Over time, she found that he let her down in many little ways and no longer seemed to be the wonderful man she had married. He was not very responsive to Joy’s efforts to work on their relationship. He became even less responsive and increasingly withdrawn after their daughter was born. Eventually, Joy’s dissatisfaction with the marriage reached the point where she found it necessary to seek a divorce. Since becoming divorced two years ago, Joy's social life has been fairly limited. She had always been an outgoing, attractive person who had enjoyed considerable social success. Since her divorce, however, she had been busy with her career and had devoted her limited free time to her young daughter. Last summer, she realized that she was lonely and began thinking about dating again. When Kurt moved into her apartment building in October, she immediately thought he was handsome. He also appeared sensible and responsible, and she admired the fact that he was well established in his career.
Although he didn't say much about his background, Kurt had grown up in a family where everyone was taught to control their emotions and take care of themselves. As a child, he had played baseball and done other activities with the boys in his school. Until puberty, most of his friends had been males. In high school, people began attending dances and parties. His friends began dating, and as he was finishing high school, Kurt began dating, too. He felt he was too young for serious romantic involvements, though, and school was important to him. In addition, women often seemed to want more emotional intimacy than he did. After graduating from the university with a degree in business, he took a position in a large manufacturing firm. His role is to ensure high levels of productivity from the company's employees. Kurt believes that strong, task-oriented supervisory practices will achieve that goal. He finds it difficult to trust others completely or to allow himself to depend upon them. He has little interest in exploring the reasons why some of his workers aren’t productive, preferring just to warn them "Shape up or ship out." When he gets into a disagreement with one of the employees, he can be dismissive, saying things like “You’re just lazy. That’s why you’re having trouble here.” Kurt is highly respected by the firm's senior management.
Given the location of their apartments, Joy and Kurt began running into each other regularly. Joy was always friendly, inviting Kurt to drop by if he wished and offering to help him if he ever needed anything. When his dentist told him he would need an impacted wisdom tooth removed, Kurt remembered that Joy had mentioned having her wisdom teeth removed. He went over to her apartment to talk with her about it. Just hearing about Joy's experiences having her teeth extracted made him feel better. As time went on, Joy found ways to be nice to Kurt. When she heard he was going on a business trip for a week, she offered to look after his plants and to pick up his newspapers for him. He accepted, mentioning that his apartment was austere and sparsely furnished. He wanted it to be attractive, but he never got around to decorating it and he didn’t feel very creative in this regard. While he was away, Joy left him an attractive ceramic pot that went well with the color scheme of his apartment. After Kurt returned, Joy helped him select a new lamp for his apartment. By this time, the holidays were approaching. Joy thought Kurt might enjoy some of her famous rum cake, so she took a few pieces over to him.
When Joy brought over the cake, Kurt realized that Joy had a lot going for her, that she seemed interested in him, and that she had repeatedly done nice things for him. In his usual stoic fashion, he had just accepted the things she had done for him without saying much. He remembered how she had complimented him several times, but he hadn't said much of anything flattering to her, even when she had been promoted at work. He wondered if he should get her a present or say thank you in some way. He didn't give gifts very often; it was hard for him to express positive emotions or even provide a perfunctory thank you. But he became distracted by issues at work, and his half-hearted thoughts of getting something to show Joy his appreciation were soon forgotten.
During this time, Joy and Kurt had developed a causal sexual relationship. Although the sex was enjoyable for both of them, Joy wanted to know that their relationship meant something more than sex. However, Kurt never gave any indication of commitment. In fact, the main topic of conversation raised regularly by Kurt concerned whether or not Joy was interested in other people. He seemed to doubt her faithfulness.
The holidays came and went. After a busy period of several weeks spent getting together with her family and friends, Joy finally had time to sit down to make up her New Year's goals and resolutions. She took this time to reflect on her relationship with Kurt. Somehow, her interest in Kurt didn't seem to be going anywhere. Although he was a responsible person, he seemed a bit controlling and lacked the caring qualities she wanted in a close relationship. She could be more direct, but she thought to herself, "Well, perhaps I should drop this." Just before the holidays, one of her coworkers -- Scott -- asked her to get together for coffee. He was a football enthusiast like herself, and he seemed to like her. During the holiday party at work, he had been very flattering. So as one of her objectives for January, Joy decided she should get to know Scott better. As for Kurt, she didn't really need to confront him, but she knew she would have to find a way to explain why her interest had waned.
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