Webcomic WTF

At one time it was my practice to send as much in one envelope as I possibly could, and so every letter I sent out had two sided pages. I got away from that at some time in the depths of my depression.

So that can fall will also rise, and I have rekindled the practice. Now if I sent one envelope every day I’d be back on track in one week.

15^th November 2011

Dear Cassi,

   

If there is one thing I have an affinity for it is projects, and today I’m introducing you to the latest of these. In an effort to get things in order I have been putting my webcomics together in a book. As I have no record of what comics I sent out to you I have no real alternative but to send you the whole thing page by page. If nothing else this should be an easy read for you, and it will get me motivated to get the thing squared away.

   

I want to send a nice letter to the old website designer asking him to remove my work from his site. I want to have all the original post dates well logged in by then, but with over two hundred comics to go now I have my work cut out for me.

   

If there is one thing I should do it is set the story strait to that fellow. I imagine your ex-husband/my ex-friend had words with him. It had to have gone something like “he won’t talk to me so don’t talk to him,” but the web geek was in the room when I told your ex that I wouldn’t come see him again unless he called first and left me a voice mail. A ten second call was too much to ask.

   

In any case, I need to cut ties with this fellow and anyone that thinks that I was so wrong in making those small requests. Honestly, I sat over your ex-husband’s bed side when he was in the hospital, sent him two letters a week when he was deployed in Iraq, and even let him move in with me, but none of that was enough for him to simply be polite.

   

You will see comics on the back of my letters once again. I hope you and Scott gets a kick out of them.

Stay safe, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal

The Experience of Others - Otto Von Bismarck

Heater Rat

13^th November 2011

Dear Cassi,

   

I gave you the run down on my crazy bills. Well just as crazy as the bills was the story of my heater. I think it must have been on the frits for two years but most of the time I was at work so it made little difference. However, with the new developments I felt it was time to get the thing repaired.

   

First I called a company that sent me something in the mail. They said they would come in five days and it would cost me a hundred dollars for them just to look. They said it would be a fifty dollar fee if I canceled in less than 48 hours.

   

Smelling a rat, I pulled out the old paperwork from when the heater was installed in 92 and called the company that had installed it in the first place. They said it would be sixty nine dollars, and they would be here within the day. Getting warmer, but still not great.

   

Then my neighbor came across the street and told me that he was getting his air unit worked on, and the repair man would come over and look at my heater for free. That was the first bit of good luck I’ve had in a long time. This fellow came over and looked at my heater and said it was the fan exactly what I had thought. He said he had to check on part availability and that he would call me in a few hours.

   

I called the second company back and told them that I had already found the problem. I gave them the whole story. They asked if I wanted a second opinion. ‘I wouldn’t mind one,’ I said, ‘but I’m not paying sixty nine dollars for it.’

   

You have to figure that they would have been better off taking down what information they could have over the phone and giving me a price, but if they want to be stubborn they can lose business.

Stay safe, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal 

Always Watching - Robert Fulghum

And I May Not - William Arthur Ward

The Innocent

This poem was transcribed from paper in nineteen ninety five but written when I was in Junior High School. I believe this style is called diamante. I recall studying it in class back then.

What happened is that I first worked on a PC in nineteen ninety four, and the work processor I had before then did not translate into the new format so I transcribed things.

You tell me if this is right for the mind of a 13 year old.

Sometime between 1992 and 1994

The Innocent

flowers

fragile, precious

growing, reaching, blooming,

soldiers, boots, guns, blood,

wilting, braking, falling

tattered, Bloody

war

The Time We Really Look Big - Kevin Leman

Pen Pal Ish

I remember this well. We had pen pals for Spanish and I never made the connection that I was only supposed to write in Spanish for them.

What can I say? I lived in a home where I had to accept violence as a way of life. I came to school and was harassed and berated. At no point was there even one voice to cut the hell storm.

I had identity problems then, and I have identity problems now. I wrote letters as R.L.N., and Leland, and Richard, and so forth.

It comes to me that I should have some refrains as to what was so wrong with me at that time so I can let any new readers know. Then again, I may just want to do that to settle my own mind.

18^th January 1995

Dear Lydia,

         

How does it go in Trinidad, I am Richard L. Neal, but you can call me Leland. I am also known to my friends as Mr. Neal, and by a girl I know as Neal.

          

I’m always typing on my computer, it dominates my life. Most of the work I do is for school, but school never really helps me. It seems to get harder every time I walk through those gates the 1st day of school.

          

My friends are little company they seem to not understand my actions or my words, so the insults rag on, and I feel bad. It just seems that there spiteful, and they know it. So I feel strange and I seem to study everything that they do. Then I feel like I'm above them all.                

          

If I am not mistaken they speak Spanish in Trinidad, do you want letters in Spanish? It will be challenging, but doable.

          

I believe that it is harder to get mad at a pen pal because you really do not have the opportunity. I must continue searching for the best way to have a friend, despite the advantages of a pen pal it would be expensive if you had a lot of them.

          

So much for that, tell me about you, everything, anything, all I know is your name and where you live. Hope to write weekly, but that plan may be compromised. I fear that my letters will be short; because most of the things I write are, you will see this in all probability.

         

All I can say is that I will move in 6 years, and I have a lot of name labels to use, but that is not important. What is important is that we will be communicating in the time to come, and I hope it will be stimulating. The normal company I keep is my cat, and all she has to say is Food, out, and milk, so you can imagine how important your letters will be to me. Not to mention the growth of the stamp collection that is to become a family tradition if past on, you will find me a man with lots of hobbies in time it is all too obvious how I attempt to cloud my mind with possessions that are worthless. All I have said is that my life is anything but plain, and that all my friends think I am insane.

         

If you have any questions I would love to hear them and answer them to my greatest ability. I will be waiting for your letters. It will be up lifting to get more mail. It is not often that I get anything but junk, and it is boring. I think I would prefer if you wanted the letters in Spanish now that I think about it. It gives me a reason to learn the language better, and if it helps you to understand it helps us both.

         

I am afraid I must go now.

                                                                                                    Sincerely,

                                                       Leland

Spoils Nothing - George Santayana

Fools and Believers

I recall this situation and think it is far more interesting than the letter I wrote. Little known to me that the person I was writing to had no intention of putting my work on stage. It turns out that this person had a policy that only play writes from as far from the college as possible would have their work produced.

Given that the recipient of this letter was a Theater Teacher at a community college, and that we pay this person to better the students they teach I have to call that dereliction of duty.

In the classroom I have found so many little tyrants that I can no longer count them. Education loses its usefulness when the educators preach their gospel and declare a private kingdom. We end up with fools and believers rather than thinkers and doers.

31^st October 2006

Dear (Community) College,

I’m submitting this script at the insistent request of some of my colleagues. I can only hope that their praise of my work comes from honesty rather than friendship, but one can never tell. If nothing else you should find the material different and engaging. 

I wrote this play with a large stage in mind and in such a way that it would not bore designers. However, I believe the special effects can be omitted and up to seven characters can be removed without damaging the script. In truth the reasoning behind suck a large cast as this was to give all of the “cat fish men,” as my readers have come to call them, speaking roles.

One of the strongest aspects of this play is that the scenes run in two directions in time, odd scenes moving forward and even moving backward. This gives the play a mystery feel with a “what did they do?” to go along with the “who done it?”

Enjoy,

Richard Leland Neal

Which Way His Heart Draws Him - Hasidic Saying

Wish to be Anything - St. Francis De Sales

Radio People

Okay, this is a cover letter to a job search. Not much to say beyond that.

28^th October 2011

Dear (radio people),

I am responding to your ad for radio voices as I have been commonly told that I have a great voice for the medium.

I have had a few years training in theater arts, but I abandoned this about three years ago feeling that theater persons in the state of California have too poor an understanding of the business side of things.  

You can get a good idea of my sound and personality at my YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/ICE9RLN0 . The sound equipment I use is rather simple, but you can still tell if you like what you hear.

Thank you for your time

Richard Leland Neal

He that Communicates His Secret - Baltasar Gracian

Carpenter

20^th October 2011

Dear Fellows,

I’m responding to your job post for a set builder.

I built sets for theater in high school and college, but I was never paid for it.

I worked with (Instructor) at (Junior College), and he should remember me. I’ve cut wood and steel, painted, and assembled sets for college theater productions.

I understand that I’m under qualified for the job, but I can get the job done, and I know what it’s like to work under a deadline.

Thanks for your time,

Richard Leland Neal  

That Something Makes Sense - Vaclav Havel

To Read or Not to Read

This is a letter following a request to see the rest of my novel after the first 48 pages had gone unread for some time. I would think my caution in sending larger bits of it is self explanatory.

At some point every author living in a world of defective support networks has to deal with people offering to read their work and failing to do so. Not that these are malicious doings, but rather like the nature of most folks who aim to read a book.

I would have to say that eighty percent of the books I own are presently unread. It is part of the human condition to want to read the collections of our great works of literature. So many of us want rather than do, and, for the most part, the thorny weeds of our lives snag us away from such things.

Life is full of barbs I guess. They are unavoidable, and we should be mindful of those who are as afflicted with them as ourselves.

15 October 2011

Dear Cassi,

Here we go with chapter five of my novel. A standards stamp can carry as much as six pages. With one letter and double sided sheets that’s about ten pages of text. Two stamps will carry sixteen pages or one letter and about thirty pages of text. That would dictate that the whole novel could be sent in about twelve envelopes.

   

I still only intend to send the next chapter if you read this one. I know how easy it is to forget about a novel. I’ve read half way through lots of them myself. In any case I’m still editing and such, so sending along something I know I’m going to change is simply counterproductive.

   

Another point to make is that if you have any gut reactions to this you should just say them. Kind words are nice, but getting published is the goal. If it makes you sad, causes you to put the pages away for a spell, or makes you hate the character I need to know.

   

I can tell you that there is no better way to stick it to your ex-husband than to get this book into print. If there is one thing he always fought with me about it was story ideas, and the reason was that he couldn’t deal with the possibility of my success.

   

Sometimes, ‘I’m going to stick it to that sack of crap’ is what gets me through the hard parts.

Stay safe, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal

God Never Said it Would be Easy - J.G. Holland

Walk Beside Me - Albert Camus

Can You Tell Me what this is?

I recall this letter, my mentality when I wrote it, and got the responses to my inquiry. The professor in question was a Registered Nurse and had a Ph.D. in Psychology.

During doctor’s examination I write of a blood work up was ordered, and my father had refused to take me to the lab.

What was wrong with me? I lived in a world that had no interest in my welfare. I believe the correct diagnosis is a ‘failure to thrive’.   

Another point to note is that I signed one of these emails with my initials “RLN” indicating that I was struggling with my identity.

3/9/2009

From me:

Sufferer checked out okay, strong pulse, blood pressure normal. No blood work up. However, complained of persistent bad breath, vomiting, sickness after eating, sleeping for extended periods, constant feelings of coldness, and occasional numbness in limbs after sleeping. Also stated the vomit was normally clear, without undigested food, and normally happened in the mornings after sleep.          

I've often wondered what this was. It appears to be a stress condition to me, but maybe you can shed some light on it.

3/10/2009

From Professor:

Not at all sure. Would suspect a stomach ailment like acid reflux or an ulcer. Would need more info. Where did the report come from. Looks like a medical evaluation.

From Me:

Actually it was me at 17. Stomach pain was not common enough for an ulcer, but the sleeping for long periods of time was the most important aspect, as it was the most debilitating. I speculate that if a blood test had been allowed it would have found something if it had been there, but I believe it to be psychological because of a family history of mental illness. I don't think ulcers just go away without some medical intervention although it has been known to happen now and then.

You should not be surprised that I state things medically, because that is how I think you can best understand them and I tend to have problems communicating with others as I'm sure you have detected. I really want to know about this problem because if it is hereditary I want to deal with it if I have children.

RLN 

3/10/2009

From Professor:

an ulcer, if it's small enough and in a generally healthy individual, can clear up on it's own. med info is fine with me as that is a lot of my background.     

Sense, Reason, and Intellect - Galileo Galilei

For Good Reason

How many people have applied for a job that sucked to keep their unemployment benefits? If I had a larger friend base I would have them all apply for this job, and then turn it down just to get these people to raise the pay rate.

8^Th October 2011

Dear Cassi,

It appears as if the jobs that are open in this economy are open for a reason. I believe I have mentioned a job I applied for working at a mental hospital. This was part time, two days a week, but I thought the pay would be higher and the environment professional.

    

When I arrived for an interview I was greeted by the Security Supervisor who had trouble with his English or maybe trouble speaking at all. Understand here that the job description included good communication skills, written and verbal, in English. I was to work for a man who did not fit the job requirements.

    

This fellow told me that they were having as many as two cars stolen per day before he took over as head of security. He said that it came to employees leaving their car windows open so that when a car was stolen the windows were not broken.

    

It was at that point that he made it clear that when he said “a car was stolen” he meant that a car had been broken into and the radio stolen. I can imagine the local law enforcement loves talking to this man.

    

I learned that I may be called to the lobby during my working hours to deal with rowdy mentally ill patients. I would be given training to do this as well as CPR and the like. All this for twenty five percent over the minimum wage.

    

He asked if he would get a response from the contact numbers I had provided and I told him that two of the three companies I’ve worked for no longer exist, but that I could bring in my payroll records.

    

I brought in my records the next day and he then explained that I would also need to provide my own uniforms for this job but that if I stayed on I would get a three percent raise every year. In addition, I would need a physical to get the job.

    

I got to the point where they had called me in to sign the wavers for the physical when I backed out. If I had taken the job I would have given up part of my unemployment and if I lost the job I could have lost my benefits entirely. I think the reason this job was open was that no one would want it.

Stay safe, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal

When the Road Darkens - Lord of the Rings

Halfway Home

Okay, someone just tell me that this is a misprint or something. A sociology degree for a Security Guard? Well, I applied to the job just hoping they would mail me back and set the record straight.

              

Well, if not maybe I have a job.

7^th October 2011

Dear (Halfway Home)

I am responding to a very odd ad you folks posted on Craigslist for a security officer position. You appear to require a Bachelor’s in Social Work, and I have never seen a security job require that before.

I have my BA in Psychology and over ten years of security experience. I was laid off at the beginning of this year and took that time to finish my degree.

I have had some contact with the homeless at the work place, but none with troubled youth.

I do have to say this is the first time I’ve seen this list of requirements for a Security Officer.

In any case I have attached my résumé to this email so you may consider me for the job.

Thank you,

Richard Leland Neal

Where the Other Sock is - Karl Reinhard

A Memory - William Allingham

The Same Amount of Bull

I sent this letter to a fellow who thought that trade schools were a rip-off and intended to make a documentary on the subject. Little does he know, all the schools are just as screwed up.

Education in America has become a joke, and I can only hope that this person looks at my letter and comes to understand.

Most schools are full of the same crap.

Hay Folks,

Sorry I didn’t go to a film school, but I do have an experience at a state school to talk about. I started my time as a theater arts student. I had dealings with the film department that you may find interesting.

At school the professors demanded I accept failure, and I even had a teacher start screaming when I asked what electives would most likely get me a job.

I left theater arts when I had to ask a teacher to leave me alone and they refused. I took a total of 12 units of film classes, the most interesting one being screen writing.

I took the class because the professor told us that he would find a production company for our work. It bumped me from part to full time so it cost me a thousand dollars. Not much for a class at a private school, yeah, but 5% of a $20,000 education.

I pulled an A+, but he never kept his promise. That would be breach of a $100,000 contract. He lied and took his student’s money. If it had been a student with a lower grade I would have understood, but I exceeded is expectations.

To add insult to injury, he told the whole class they should intentionally fail their classes in order to gain access to the facilities to make their own film.

I mentioned that if five students got together the tuition for one semester would be well over ten grand enough to buy almost all the equipment one needs to make a film. He agreed that I was right but never retracted his statement.

I think his goal was to get students to take more classes and put more money in the schools coffers.

The film department at CSU Fullerton wasn’t just screwing the students out of their money. They were screwing the taxpayers, because the taxpayers pay for that school.

It’s not just the film schools, but all the schools that have a problem. We can get the knowledge we need out of books and experience. Students pay for school in order to make the needed connections to work in the industry. If you don’t get that you’re just throwing your money away.

I guess this doesn’t help much, but it’s the truth,

Richard Leland Neal  

Answer the Question - Douglas Adams

Voice Actors

Now this is two of the dumbest jobs I’ve applied for in the last week.

I think most of us would be actors if we could, and the paycheck for the big names is just so out there that we would be fools to turn them down.

Losing your job in this economy can be a blessing. In the common place that is totally incorrect. Most folks will spend the next ten years getting their lives back together.

I have my finances in better order now than when I was first laid off, but I have yet to return to work. Who knows what will happen in the next few months?   

7^th October 2011

Hay their (casting company),

Just read your ad for voice over actors and thought I’d drop you a line. I’ve done acting in high school and college but never took it up professionally.

People tell me I have a nice voice.

Check out this video you can both hear and see me and get an idea of what I can do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ck8o6M7gX2A

The sound quality on this camera isn’t all that great.

Thanks Richard

7^th October 2011

Hello (Casting Company),

Just saw your ad for talkers and I think I have a lot of experience never shutting up. I was a security guard for ten years and all we ever had to do was talk to people and watch cameras.

I’ve been told that having me around is like having the internet because I can pull up facts on almost any subject.

If you want to hear what I sound like you can see my videos on YouTube at

http://www.youtube.com/ICE9RLN0

Thanks

Richard 

Deaf Tongue - Proverb