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Friday, May 27, 2011

May the Schwartz be with You


This was one of my dumber ideas, and I’m not surprised I didn’t get word back. The big thing I recall about this letter is that I mentioned it to a, hmmm, poor excuse for a human being who called himself my friend.

His reply is forever cut into my mind: “I don’t think you should … do it. I mean, you don’t really look like him.” This after no less than two people in one week told me that I reminded them of John Candy.


17th March 2007
Dear Mr. Brooks

Something happen the other day that made me think of you. I was sitting in the hallway at (a state college) when a girl turned to me and said, “You could play Barf.”

Thinking I had misheard her I said, “what?”

“You know, Barf, didn’t you ever watch SpaceBalls?”

I heard on the radio that you were thinking of making another SpaceBalls movie and I thought. “Well, send the man a letter, you have a better chance of getting a screen test then winning the Lottery and the Lottery ticket will cost more.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve been compared to John Candy. Shortly after my mother’s passing I spent weekends with Dian, the executor of my mother’s estate, and her son Phil, this would make me ten or eleven. Almost immediately Phil’s friends adopted an unusual nickname for me. “Uncle Buck” They may have meant it as an insult, but I always took it as a compliment. I loved John’s work. I don’t know if I could play him but let me give you some reasons why you should give me a try.

1. I’m a nobody, we work cheap. 

2. People think I look like John Candy and that is very funny.

 3. I have experience and training as a stage actor.

4. I don’t have an agent for you to wrestle with.

At this point you may be saying, “Do I really want to make another SpaceBalls movie? Do I want Barf to be in that movie?”

First let me say, “of course you want to make another Space Balls movie! You knew that before you finished the first one!” Let’s talk about Barf. What’s your alternative? We’ll call him Can-Can Blinks. Cans are like jars right? He comes out in his long-eared, pastel skinned, stupid accented, annoying ness, the audience is visibly repulsed. A big fish eats him, we all cheer; enter Barf for a standing ovation. 

Okay, so I’m not all that funny, but it never hurts to ask right?


May the Schwartz be with you,


Richard Leland Neal

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