Advocate of Balance

3rd December 2024

Dear Advocate of Balance,

It looks like you want to write a book on balance and are having some trouble understanding the nature of the work. Calling this a religion and the book you mean to write a Bible would imply that you are a prophet. Prophets right Bibles.

There are a few Bible adjacent materials like an industrial Bible meant to be the end all catch all book on whatever subject it is covering. There are religious works like Bible interpretations that are not written by prophets and often by non believers. However, if you are looking to write a bible and start a religion you have to be a prophet not just a man with a good idea.

If your goal here is to start a group that worships you and will do strange things thinking you’re a god or connected with god what you are looking to write is a Bible. If you just think you have the right idea on how to live life you’re thinking of a book on philosophy.

Further to that point, there are already religions and philosophies that teach balance as you would like to focus on. Zen would be the best example. I can also say that the biographers of Buddha would fall into this category.

I’ll first grant that I don’t think I’m the right man for the job you have open. I’d work on it so long as the money is green and paying me wouldn’t harm you or your family in anyway. However, I think you’re looking for someone with a Doctorate of Divinity or a PHD in Philosophy.

Best wishes,



Richard Leland Neal

Hard Man - Mae West

 

Surprised by My Mouth

 

Snowman's Nose

 

The Website You’re Listing On

26^th February 2020

Hay there Film person,

I read your ad for a low budget full length film and I love the fact that you know the website you’re listing on. I really hate people looking for top rank professionals here, and those looking to make a quick buck off a well known writer really baffle me.

In any case, I currently have two scripts that would be of interest to you. The first is a musical called “House Broken” and the second a romantic comedy named “Never Will”.

“House Broken” is a dark comedy about a man trying to escape his abusive family. It is written from his perspective with characters running around in super hero garb and bursting into song. The whole thing is written to take place in a very messy house with around seven characters. I’ve had extensive table readings on this film and it was seen as being a very interesting and funny film.

“Never Will” is the story of two friends who find a book on screen writing and use it to try and become rich to attract the man one of them has a crush on. This is a film with mostly female characters and is about those who put up their own barriers. What keeps the woman away from her love? Herself.

Now, in this film we enter a number of films that the girls are writing. Those would need to be changed to fit your needs, but as this is a comedy they can be played hokey to fit your needs.

Truth is one of your big ego people asked me to write a coming of age story so I wrote this which has a background of overcoming a toxic friendship. I don’t know how good it is, and I haven’t looked at it in years.

I have a few short films I could pull out but I’m mostly interested in getting a full length under my belt. You can find me on IMDB under Richard Leland Neal.

Best,

 

Richard

 

Build My Experience

 

23^rd January 2020

Dear YouTuber,

I read your Craigslist ad and I may be of assistance to you. I happen to be a YouTuber and screenwriter myself who has written a number of short films for the channel AbsurdTV. I also do much of the voice work for that channel and where as I’m not known for any awards I am known for being hard working and delivering content that can be produced on a budget.

I did take a few writing classes in college and have a few full length movie scripts sitting about. I currently work under a comedy focus with a basic point that I need to keep cost down. The simple fact is that I can write what you need if you can give me a good enough description.

Past that, I have a degree in psychology, I am a licensed security Officer, and I work with the homeless in Anaheim.  I’m a large man in my early forties and always hoping to get new projects that will build my experience.

Best,

Richard Leland Neal

'Up Close and Gross: Gross Body Invaders' by Ruth Owen Book Review

'Up Close and Gross: Gross Body Invaders' by Ruth Owen is a

book about all the creepy crawlies that can live on your body. There are fleas and ticks, mites and microbes. This is the book of my nightmares full of monsters that eat people like me.

I have to admit that as I'm a man who works with the homeless this is a book about my worst fears. Still, if your kid is into this kind of thing it will have them mesmerized.  

Who should read this book? Folks into the gross.

Books read: 211 of 5,000

Thief and Patron

Fur Babies at the Vet

Fat Old Jack and Dana sit on my chest.
15th January 2018

8^th April 2018

Dear (Devium),

You’ll be happy to know that fat old Jack is in very good health. I took the big black cat to the vet this week, along with your little Calico Dana, and had them both looked at. Dana was a pain to get into the cat carrier, I didn’t use yours, and she ran about the house until I cornered her. Jack, well, Jack just sat there without a care in the world until the car started moving then they both cried until I got them into the examination room.

In the car one of them peed on the pad in the carrier, and I had to get a new one at the vet. I think it was Dana and I think she left a present on the way home as well. I really need to clean up my cat carriers now. So nasty.

In any case, Jack got his blood drawn because he was old, and they said he was doing very well for his age. The doctor looked at his silky fur and felt its softness and commented that he was surprised the cat was that old. He told me that he wished all the cats he looked at were as well behaved as fat old Jack.

Dana was a trifle as it was hard to way and hold her. We found that she had blood in her intestines, and I have been given medications to calm her because they vet thought it was the stress of losing you that made her sick. Dana being so skittish of an animal this is probably true.

Dana is rarely far from me when I’m at home, and she has made a point of sleeping in the crook of my neck when I’m on the computer. She was a little standoffish after the vet for a few hours but Jack made a point to spend some time with me. He’s normally spending time with Pickle to be honest.

Your fur babies are doing well, and I hope you are too,

Richard Leland Neal

Things that Bean Touched

7^th November 2018

Dear Party People,

I was on my way home from the night shift last week, and I left my radio on from the night before. What should I hear but Kevin and Bean talking about Bean eating strange things with a knife and fork. I'll grant you that I've gotten half a slice of pizza down with a knife and fork before switching to my hands, and I didn't hear what the listeners had to say, but it was clear by the time I got home that the lot of you had missed the big point.

It's not like you not wanting to eat with your hands. It's that no one in their right mind, or Bean's mind, would want to eat with Bean's hands. Not even Bean. Just think about this for a second. If you had to be tied up and have a member of the morning crew feed you with their hands who would you choose? How many of you would eat food Bean touched?

Think of where those hands have been. What parts of goats, dogs, or any other animal has Bean touched, and no matter how much he washes his hands he can't wash the Bean off. Even Bean knows how disgusting Bean is and how wrong it would be for Bean to touch food.

After all, didn't bean choose Radiohead's 'Creep' as the song at his wedding. Or was that Kevin? It's still so hard to tell you two apart. That's not the point. The point is that no food should ever be so insulted as to be touched by a creep the likes of Bean.

I would think that would have been obvious,

Richard from Whittier

Halls of Justice - Lenny Bruce

If I Grow Up - Lenny Bruce

Anonymous Donor - Lenny Bruce

Writer Who Knows Depression

3rd January 2018

All righty,

Looking at your craigslist ad I can see you’re looking for a writer who knows depression. I have credits as a writer on IMDB and I have been diagnosed with Persistent Recurrent Depression. I also hold a BA in Psychology so you could say I have a good understanding of the condition.

I am on the old side for your criteria given that I’m in my late 30’s and you want a younger man, but I’m told I look young. I have no connection to Portland as your ad mentions as I live in LA.

I think the big question is, ‘what is this for?’ and that would determine if I should be involved. If you’re looking for someone to be on camera I’m not sure that would be me. I can’t see flying up to Oregon to get my face in something, but if your big goal is to have a clear depiction of depression that I can do.

I know a few production folks here in LA but not a group of people who are looking to work for free.

Best,



Richard Leland Neal

Going Back to God - Lenny Bruce

Shopping Season - David Letterman

 

Honest Art Form - Lenny Bruce

Mom and Produce

 

Catholic School Children - Lenny Bruce

If Congress - Jon Stewart