Screenplay into a Novel

5th December 2024

Dear Screenwriter,

From you ad I can tell that you’re looking for someone to turn your screenplay into a novel. It just so happens that I’ve done that but never been published. This makes me a bad candidate for this job but do you have any better candidates? I can show you the script I started with and the novel I ended with and we can talk about publishers.

Truth is, I’m willing to work on speculation but I need to see what I’m working with and if you want to get the novel published fast there are ways that you can do that but none are ideal. Still, an accomplish novelist shouldn’t be willing to do the work on speculation.

Anyway, as far as the Sci-Fi elements I got the Bank of America award for physics in high school and hold a BA in Psychology so I’m something of a geek. I’ve had a few short films produced and written a few short stories in addition to my novel but nothing that would make me as an author you should pay attention to.

Bottom line, if what you need is someone to write you’re film into a novel I can do that and I can show you the proof. If what you need is someone who can help you market your screenplay then that’s just not me.

I grant that I probably shouldn’t be writing to you because of how bad a fit for this job I am, but the truth is that you miss every shot you don’t take.

Kind regards,



Richard Leland Neal

Advocate of Balance

3rd December 2024

Dear Advocate of Balance,

It looks like you want to write a book on balance and are having some trouble understanding the nature of the work. Calling this a religion and the book you mean to write a Bible would imply that you are a prophet. Prophets right Bibles.

There are a few Bible adjacent materials like an industrial Bible meant to be the end all catch all book on whatever subject it is covering. There are religious works like Bible interpretations that are not written by prophets and often by non believers. However, if you are looking to write a bible and start a religion you have to be a prophet not just a man with a good idea.

If your goal here is to start a group that worships you and will do strange things thinking you’re a god or connected with god what you are looking to write is a Bible. If you just think you have the right idea on how to live life you’re thinking of a book on philosophy.

Further to that point, there are already religions and philosophies that teach balance as you would like to focus on. Zen would be the best example. I can also say that the biographers of Buddha would fall into this category.

I’ll first grant that I don’t think I’m the right man for the job you have open. I’d work on it so long as the money is green and paying me wouldn’t harm you or your family in anyway. However, I think you’re looking for someone with a Doctorate of Divinity or a PHD in Philosophy.

Best wishes,



Richard Leland Neal

Novelist Looking for a Hooker

I ran into this man’s posts on Craigslist and you can note that both I and he live in California but he has posted this as if it were in New York.

Had it been posted on New York Craigslist I would never have seen it.

In any case, this fellow is looking for a woman who lives thousands of miles away who he can have sex with and then send home, or at least that’s what I gather.

If this man where making any real money he could afford to go out and date or hire an escort but no, he went to Craigslist and tried to get a woman for free.

31st October 2022

Novelist Searching for Artistic Inspiration (New York)

NOVELIST SEARCHING FOR ARTISTIC INSPIRATION
Consider this an experiment in art and love. I am a tall, male novelist and short story writer whose work has been published around the world since the 1980s and I am hoping to find a special woman who is interested in taking an adventurous journey with me as I begin my next novel. For my work to reach it's best artistic level, I need the close inspiration of a woman who is artistically motivated, in touch with her artistic and sexual needs, a woman who will not compromise with men who do not understand the emotional highs of making art and sharing it with the world. I am, I suppose, looking for a Muse in every aspect of my complicated life. If you have the time and inclination and are not afraid to begin this adventure with me, we can embark on this artistic, perhaps, emotional voyage, that may take us to surprising places. Life is too short to accept the unremarkable. I want my next artistic adventure to be nothing less than a blaze of color. Are open to coming along for this trip? I hope this will last a year, possibly longer, depending on how things work out. Additionally, I travel a lot to Europe for my writer's work and I would consider taking you along. I am very serious so please only respond if you are equally serious. I live in Los Angeles but we can talk on text, phone and then in person. Tell me, in a paragraph or so, why this might appeal to you and please be detailed and open. Send a photograph or Instagram. There is no payment but I will be happy to share what I know about writing and the writer's life. Please read this posting carefully before you respond

Hoping Kind of People

26th October 2023

Okay boss,

You need a writer and I’m one of those ‘hoping this is my big chance’ kinds of people with little experience, but all the drive in the world. I mostly have written comedy scripts. Comedy news for a YouTube channel to be clear. You can find that on my IMDB.

I wrote two full length plays and one full length film in college but after finding little in the ways of advice for marketing these works I got a degree in Psychology. I tend to lean into the darker parts of the human mind, and I like to really get out there and bend some brains.

I’ve written a few other scripts, I know I wrote a romantic comedy somewhere and a Sci-Fi thriller. I wrote the Thriller with a co-author and he wasn’t very compromising.

Where I’m at as a writer is green to the professional world, seasoned to working with others, and running out of time to get this going. If you have a job for me that job will be a big deal. If I had an agent I wouldn’t be answering this ad. If you need an agent, yeah, I can’t help you.

I think I get an answer for every hundred or so of these I sent out so I’ll be happy to hear from you.

Best,



Richard

Horror Script or Novel

2nd May 2023

Hay Boss,

You’re looking for a horror script or novel and I have a horror script that I have also written as a novel. I don’t know why I answer these ads to be honest. I never get a reply but here goes.

I wrote “Walker In the Trees” in college under the direction of a film teacher. Starts off looking like a cabin in the woods slasher film before flipping expectations and pitting the slashers against an unknown force in the woods. There are limited characters and locations as well as supernatural elements.

You’re going to need to pull some camera tricks to get this to work. Think of a young Professor X fighting off some devil worshiping killers to save is twenty something friends, and you’re on the right track.

I have a few other properties that may interest you. “House Broken” is a dark comedy that involves super hero elements. There is singing, dancing, and drugs. The whole thing could be produced as a stage performance or filmed in my house. It would be a reflection on modern life for sure.

“Levi” is another script that I have that may interest you, but I don’t know if it could be done with your budget. It involves immortality, catfish-men, and Russian experiments.

The last director I worked with produced a good number of my short films until he spend four grand to be in a film with a porn star instead of paying me. We never made a full length film together because he never had the money, or so he told me. Once I got a good idea of what he liked and what his budget and resources were I could write a good deal for him.

I could likely do the same for you. If I don’t have a project you’re interested in then send me your filmography, and I’ll write something you do like. It may not be ready in time for this project but it could be for your next. It wouldn’t run you anything and if you don’t like that one I’ll still have another script to show people.

Best,



Richard Leland Neal