Ocean of Orange Soda

 

Modern Day Fairy Tale

24^th January 2020

Hello there, (YouTube Channel),

I just read your craigslist ad for a writer and watched some of your Fairy Tale Friday with the segment about Willy Wonka so far being my number one. I guess it’s the one I can relate to the best being a large man who has had to keep his hands off the sweets. I think cocaine would make me thin, but it didn’t work for Chris Farley did it?

In any case, you can see my writing credits on IMDB https://www.imdb.com/name/nm9030649/#writer

And watch some of my work on AbsurdTV were I write and voiced many of the characters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XSf-FCc6LY&list=PLCFgpl-HbKCakK8dfI5b6rh2YzAHgykMY . Many of my jokes reflect politics or current topics, I was writing comedy news, but cursing and sexual comments were prohibited.

After watching a few of your shows I would say what jumps out at me is the teased story of the woman who sued McDonald’s for too hot coffee. It sounds like a silly thing, but someone’s grandma was in the hospital for eight days. A segment based on that would put the joke on the audience for having dismissed the news without looking further. Old light on a new topic.

Another idea would be to write a story about the crappy movie “Mortal Engines” likening it to Disney. The movie sucked and Disney eating up all the other studios and making the same movies over and over again sucks.

I wouldn’t mind writing a fairy tale about any modern political figure. The film “Underwater” could be likened to the finances of modern Americans. We are all under debt and some big monster, in real life he’s Orange and stinks, wants to take what little we have left. Give me a topic, I’ll write you a script.

I also think it would be funny as hell if I hosted and episode. I mean, I’m a big funny looking fat dude and we could do a Farley joke about it.

Best,

Richard Leland Neal

 

Things that Bean Touched

7^th November 2018

Dear Party People,

I was on my way home from the night shift last week, and I left my radio on from the night before. What should I hear but Kevin and Bean talking about Bean eating strange things with a knife and fork. I'll grant you that I've gotten half a slice of pizza down with a knife and fork before switching to my hands, and I didn't hear what the listeners had to say, but it was clear by the time I got home that the lot of you had missed the big point.

It's not like you not wanting to eat with your hands. It's that no one in their right mind, or Bean's mind, would want to eat with Bean's hands. Not even Bean. Just think about this for a second. If you had to be tied up and have a member of the morning crew feed you with their hands who would you choose? How many of you would eat food Bean touched?

Think of where those hands have been. What parts of goats, dogs, or any other animal has Bean touched, and no matter how much he washes his hands he can't wash the Bean off. Even Bean knows how disgusting Bean is and how wrong it would be for Bean to touch food.

After all, didn't bean choose Radiohead's 'Creep' as the song at his wedding. Or was that Kevin? It's still so hard to tell you two apart. That's not the point. The point is that no food should ever be so insulted as to be touched by a creep the likes of Bean.

I would think that would have been obvious,

Richard from Whittier

All in Your Head

4^th January 2017

Dear Cassi,

I may have mention a few times that the old man refused to take me to the doctor when I was in high school. This is to say that he wouldn’t take me to the doctor for mental health reasons. He did take me in for a ‘sports physical’ a few times and he even once pointed to this to say that I was fine.

The doctor ordered a blood test that the old man wouldn’t get off his ass to drive me to so I feel his argument is rather hollow. He went against doctor’s orders there at very least. 

I remember the old man said “it’s all in your head” as if that meant it wasn’t real. A brain tumor is all in your head but mental illness is in your head, in the tissues of your heart, and in every part of your body. Further, weather the problem is in your head or in your foot there is no reason to deny your child treatment.

That was Yule for you. He would first laugh at my problems, and when they didn’t go away he would yell at me over them, but the old man would never do anything to help.  If I’m to get anywhere in life I need to get there on my own.

No one helps Richard Leland Neal. I am a man beyond help and beyond asking for help. I must accept that part of my life.

Ego Solus,

Richard Leland Neal

If I Grow Up - Lenny Bruce

Anonymous Donor - Lenny Bruce

Writer Who Knows Depression

3rd January 2018

All righty,

Looking at your craigslist ad I can see you’re looking for a writer who knows depression. I have credits as a writer on IMDB and I have been diagnosed with Persistent Recurrent Depression. I also hold a BA in Psychology so you could say I have a good understanding of the condition.

I am on the old side for your criteria given that I’m in my late 30’s and you want a younger man, but I’m told I look young. I have no connection to Portland as your ad mentions as I live in LA.

I think the big question is, ‘what is this for?’ and that would determine if I should be involved. If you’re looking for someone to be on camera I’m not sure that would be me. I can’t see flying up to Oregon to get my face in something, but if your big goal is to have a clear depiction of depression that I can do.

I know a few production folks here in LA but not a group of people who are looking to work for free.

Best,



Richard Leland Neal

Going Back to God - Lenny Bruce

Shopping Season - David Letterman

 

Bad Offer

24^th January 2016

My Dear Sister Margaret,

I spoke to you of the events of the hearing where I fought for my unemployment, and I still await the results. I got another call that day and one of the darkest I have received so far.  I received a job offer to work in skid row as a security officer: Less pay, more danger, but promise of overtime. I could tell this fellow thought it was an easy sell. He figured that I needed the job which is anything but true, but if I was losing my unemployment, if I knew I was I mean, I’d have taken the job. That’s the kind of work I get called for, the pay is a joke, and the conditions are bad. That’s the life of a man with my experience.

To add insult, I never did hear back from Raf on that script. You’d think after how I proved myself to that fellow he would be honest. I tell you, there was an altercation out front one night. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew Raf was out there and so I went out to watch his back. When you’re ready to bleed for a fellow it should mean something.

I always figured that if the script was good enough he knew someone who would want to produce it and if it wasn’t I needed to know. Now my option is to put money into the script to try and find a producer. That’s the thing about writing, you need friends or you need money. Friends always come up short so I got to try money. That’s why taking any job becomes a thing. 

In other news, I still don’t have my car back. They said it would be another week but that they would have to cover the rental fee. At least that’s something.

The only honestly good thing I have for you is that a friend, Dan, was happy to know of my bringing you recyclables and thinks he may have some toiletries for the homeless.  Dan told me that the woman he lives with, I’m not sure his relation to her, is a nurse and takes these things as they are given to her at her work. He winds up with a stalk pile and so on.

Here is to the light at the end of the tunnel,

Richard Leland Neal 

Mom and Produce

 

Catholic School Children - Lenny Bruce

If Congress - Jon Stewart

Not Drumpf Enough

5^th January 2018

My Dear Mr. Oliver,

Back in February of 2016 Last Week Tonight aired a segment that attempted to remove who would soon become our president of his faith inspiring name. Whereas I admit you have had some success in the area there is much room for improvement. I very much enjoyed seeing men and women on Facebook talking about Donald Drumpf.

Unfortunately, the president’s name is still on everyone’s lips, and Drumpf is nearly forgotten. Well, what went wrong?  For one thing, Drumpf is uncharacteristically dull for Last Week Tonight. Unlike news about the president Drumpf just isn’t fun. For another, it’s just not saucy enough for your program. So, what name can we come up with to help America get over its orange dictator addiction?

The answer came to me when I saw an old photograph of myself and remembered the Native American name my mother had given me. She called me ‘Hair of the Golden Rod’ because in youth my hair was strikingly blond. So what would the name of Mr. Drumpf be if the Native Americans named him for his most notable feature?

No, I’m not speaking of orange skin or use of tanning oil. I believe they would call him “Shitting Bull.” You may have this with my compliments, Mr. Oliver.

Best,

Richard Leland Neal 

Loss of Your Company

18^th January 2018

Dear (Book Geek),

My condolences on the loss of your company as it would appear it has gone under. This isn’t the first book publisher I’ve seen that fell to the bad economy, but with the world turning more and more to used books and books about politics coming more and more into the public eye you can hardly be surprised.

However, with nothing left to lose or gain I do have two questions to ask. The first is ‘may I publish the correspondence between myself and your company’, and the second being ‘what was the real truth behind what happened to my work’?

I publish almost every letter I write or receive of a page length or longer on my blog, and so I think it would be helpful to other writers to publish at least one of the letters you sent me. I will remove your name and the name of your company, not that it would make a difference, and I will never speak of who wrote them. I simply believe that the advice I was given may be of help to others.

As for my second question, there is no secret to the fact that I was feuding with another author and that it was him and his friends who gave my book bad reviews. You asked for harsh criticism, and I gave it to you, but everything I wrote was honest. This fellow took it personally and got his friends to gang up on me. Then you took both of our books down.

I know this to be a major outlier, because there were books that sat for more than a year with no reviews and still were left on the site, but the two of us got the ax without a definitive number of reviews. I also noted that I could still access my book on your page but that, unlike other books that had been taken down, moderation had been removed.

If I offended you I’m sorry, if I caused you trouble you have my apologies, but it still looks as if there is more to the story, and I would like to know. It may even do you well to tell.

Best,

Richard Leland Neal 

Marvelous Thing About a Joke - Ronnie Barker

Center of Middle Age - Franklin P. Adams

Fault the Manufacturer - Lenny Bruce

What Should be - Lenny Bruce

Scientists vs. Philosophers