Dear Movie Person

24^th January 2020

Dear Movie Person,

I’ve read your ad for a movie reviewer and I happen to be a critic on YouTube were I mostly review films. So long as I can make my videos it shouldn’t be an issue to write reviews of the same films and my videos can be linked or featured on your page. Not everyone likes to read, it may or may not bring you more views.

In any case, well let me write you a sample.

Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)

“Tammy and the T-Rex” may sound like a Saturday morning crap fest shooting for seven year olds, but in reality it’s a horror movie aimed at fourteen year olds who couldn’t get dirty pictures back in the 90’s. Not all of us had cell phones back then.

So, Tammy (played by Denise Richardson) is a way to hot cheerleader with a possessive boyfriend who won’t let her bang the captain of the football team. One night the boyfriend finds the football captain in her bedroom and then beats him and leaves him for dead where he is mauled by a lion, and then his brain is put in a robotic T-Rex by an evil doctor. No, I’m not making this up. This bizarre acid trip is really the premise for a movie.

Past that, you have two versions of this film. The PG-13, why did they make this movie and the R rated splatter fest now available on shutter are both versions you can see.

If you want to see a human head get crushed into steamed cabbage then the R rated cut is for you. If you want to see some boobs neither will settle your urge. “Tammy and the T-Rex” is a bonkers horror movie with gore enough but not a single boob and can be enjoyed only by those of us who love cheesy bad movies.

Watch only if you’re a fan of those kinds of films.

Okay, that took me about six minutes. In any case, If my work interests you drop me a line.

Best,

 

Richard Leland Neal

 

Build My Experience

 

23^rd January 2020

Dear YouTuber,

I read your Craigslist ad and I may be of assistance to you. I happen to be a YouTuber and screenwriter myself who has written a number of short films for the channel AbsurdTV. I also do much of the voice work for that channel and where as I’m not known for any awards I am known for being hard working and delivering content that can be produced on a budget.

I did take a few writing classes in college and have a few full length movie scripts sitting about. I currently work under a comedy focus with a basic point that I need to keep cost down. The simple fact is that I can write what you need if you can give me a good enough description.

Past that, I have a degree in psychology, I am a licensed security Officer, and I work with the homeless in Anaheim.  I’m a large man in my early forties and always hoping to get new projects that will build my experience.

Best,

Richard Leland Neal

Small Poorly Lit Rooms

 

12^th June 2020

Dear (Production Company),

I read your ad on Craigslist, and I may be able to assist you with a Sci Fi film. I currently have a property that would need some adaptation that was written to be a stage play. This would be a dark thriller taking place in small rooms at night with limited settings. There could be a few big set pieces if we have the budget, but for the most part we are dealing with Xenotranplant surgery and small poorly lit rooms.

I place more faith in my writing a film around the plot points you have as you mentioned in your ad. I wrote the first draft of my first film in three weeks in college. It is a horror script with stronger supernatural elements. It’s not what you’re looking for, but a solid film.

I have some credits on IMDB for my web shorts. I work with a channel called Absurd TV which is more comedy than anything else. I started doing voice work with him, and it lead to writing.

I have a degree in Psychology and a lifelong love of the Sci-fi film, as well as several credits in college for writing film and stage plays. My primary occupation is uniformed security which is a job that is easy to get, easy to lose, and more difficult than it sounds.

Hope to hear from you soon,

 

Richard Leland Neal

College Admissions Counselor

14^th June 2020

My Dear Friends,

I have received an email regarding your open position for a College Admissions Counselor and noted that my BA in Psychology places me in eligibility for the post.  My experience as a working American having pulled myself through the two year college system and fought past a four year to get my degree makes me uniquely qualified for the job.

I can say that I’ve spoken to career counselors and college advisors, but never felt that they listened or were receptive to my needs. I was the fellow that walked into their office, showed them my transcripts, and walked out having been told that I wasn’t doing too badly, but having gotten no real help in terms of where to go next.

In my current occupation, I work as a security guard, and I often question new officers about what they want to do with their lives. I help them form a plan as the older and wiser to the younger and less experienced. I have to say, I made my mistakes, and I do my best to keep others from making them as well.

Now, you are offering a part time job, that requires weekends, but I work a full time job, and haven’t had a day off in a month. I work every day I can, if I have nothing to do I’ll be in uniform guarding a homeless shelter or a truck yard.

I can say my job as a guard will be there for me if I work for you. Extra days and short weeks, winter recess, and spring break I need do no more than pick up my phone and go to the app to see what hours my current employer needs me for. I can even ask to be left off the schedule and pick up shifts when they become available. I should have no trouble balancing my life.

 

Best,

Richard Leland Neal

 

Linked to a Better World

3^rd July 2020

Hay (Famous YouTuber),

You may remember me as “Grandpa Swag" or “Benjamin Franklin Jr.’ from your movie club way back when.  Now I’m one of the depressed unmonitized YouTubers navigating the Covid 19 Pandemic.

So why am I reaching out to you? Well, a few years ago I decided to make my success linked to a better world. I figured I’d pay for a pound of trash to be removed from the ocean for every thousand subscribers. 

This is through a company called 4Ocean, and you can check them out if you want. Hell, if you don’t want to help me sending them some love is still a great idea. I’d like to be able to pay my electric bill, but a better world is a better world. For every one thing you buy from them (bracelet, t-shirt, cup, etc.) they pull a pound of trash from the ocean.

In any case, what I want is some help promoting this promotion. I can pay. I mean, I can buy subscribers at ten cents a head but I think paying you would be more effective. Or you could make this a PR thing, and I could send you a thank you box of 4Ocean gear. You could un-box this, and show people that environmentalists are giving you love.

I do recall you once asking for stories about depression. Well, not only am I clinically depressed and on medication, but I have a degree in psychology. I could certainly dedicate time to describing my experience to you. In addition, I work with the homeless so I have stories of mental health for days.

I already know you’ll say no or just ignore me, but that’s life.

 

Best,

 

Richard Leland Neal