Storm

Here we have an example of why I should post these in order. They relate to each other in the most interesting way.

One day I should have these all together into one volume that presently would run about three hundred pages all told. Slowly the files in my old letters folder dwindle down, but the road gets harder going as I walk along.

30^th July, 2007

Dear (Soldier on deployment in Iraq),

The shit storm of my life never stops thundering I had another nice little incident on Friday:

“Upon arriving on duty on the 27^th of July of 2007 at twenty-three hundred hours (11:00 p.m.) I was approached by Officer (Pipes) who stated “I’m getting tired of you running your mouth.” He remarked that I told (the Area Manager) about guards throwing seals around and about a toy monkey. I stated that I reported what I thought was stolen freight, and that I didn’t want to get fired for stealing.  (Officer Pipes) then said “so out of all the guards out here they’re going to single out you. No one was going to see it.” Security Officer (Mango) then said, “no one likes a snitch”. (Pipes) also stated that the seals could be picked up, and I said that had he picked them up I would not have made an issue of it.”

People just don’t get it, you pick up a snake and it bights you, that’s life. They want to blame me because they started this, and they don’t think I should have the right to get them back for demanding to do less work then me.

This excerpt is from a report to the client who will be investigating destruction of property and theft. It’s not a good idea to go pissing people off and then steal something in front of them, but these people thing that they should make me suffer with immunity. 

Now here’s a new one, (the Supervisor) told (one of the guards) that he thinks I’m going to go to the front gate. I already told (the Area Manager) that the answer was no and they still insist that it’s going to happen. I think the thing to do is simply look for another job. It is clear that things aren’t going to get better for me here. It’s just one more pile of shit I have to deal with. If it didn’t suck I wouldn’t have to drudge.

At least my first children’s book is done with its writing. I still need to look it over one last time and find someone to send it to, but then again I may have that done by Friday. Not having the books on this subject in my hands there is no telling if someone has used this idea before so I’m going to start on the more complicated book next as its more likely a new idea. Can’t say that I can keep it to the right page length, but that’s something I’ll have to hammer out. Children’s books are a big field and I have lots of competition, but then as the pay is low for righting then the publications must be many. I don’t know, it’s possible that I’m overly optimistic, (Can I be optimistic!) but when you got bullets and night you may as well take a shot in the dark.    

I finally came up with a new scene for “A Mind Bending” and it’s one of those that may have very little to do with the rest of the play, but given that is going to end up as another five pages and one more bit to be connected it’s a good thing to have. If I were still working on plays four hours a day like back at my last job then I’d be finished with it by now, but I just got to keep working until it’s done.

The scene is a dream that David, the main character, is having. When he dreams he is in Aurum’s world. He is the cloned tactician Twenty-Seven and he is defending his space station from a boarding party when he orders an air lock closed to prepare for a separation. He is ordered to hold his position regardless of its being a death sentence by an over confident admiral who, like a fool, is standing in the fight. Twenty-Seven gets hit in the arm and curls up shooting the admiral. He then realizes he has played right into enemy hands, but he is of no interest to them.   

The scene is of plot twists foreshadowing the twists to come as the play unfolds. Only problem is that I’m not adding anything to the coherent sections of the play and that makes it harder for me to show it to the class. Well, two weeks to go and I’m still on page twenty five. Work, work, work.

Stay safe out there,

Richard Leland Neal

A Shot In the Dark

So this is the second of two letters I wrote Mel Brooks in the hope of getting into one of his films. I posted the first to this blog on the 27^th of May, 2011.

Reading it over and correcting the spelling errors I am not surprised he never responded.  Well, no. I’m sure he has better things to do than deal with fan mail.

How crazy was I?

22^nd July 2007

Dear Mr. Brooks,

This morning as I worked the employee gate at (a loading dock) I made a not so funny joke about the “brother hood of brown”. One of the workers asked “who are you, John Candy?” as I scanned him with my metal detector.

There’s that name again. It has followed me since the age of eleven when they called me “Uncle Buck”. I don’t see the resemblance but no less than three people have commented on it in the last year. I’m also told that I have a striking resemblance to my maternal grandfather, and I don’t see that either. I never met the old Jew, but I’ve seen him in photographs. 

Well, to the point, I wondered if you might be looking for the next John Candy. I realize that this is a long shot, but let’s look at it another way. I could buy a ticket and win the lottery and still never get to see Mel Brooks in person. If I lost I’d be out a few dollars. If this letter is another gamble I’m out a stamp, an envelope, and a few sheets of paper. To win I’d merely need a letter of reply, and would have been worth my effort, and how could I price the experience. If I didn’t send you a letter I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

I have experience as an actor, but I stopped acting, because my fellow actors had no dedication. It’s a funny thing, Mr. Brooks, you can prepare your lines perfectly, and have your delivery down to second nature. Then it all gets lost, because the other actors just don’t have it down. College theatre is like that for the most part. Too little attention is paid to the future of the student, and professionalism is not a recognized goal. They actually took me aside and explained this to me. Frankly, I feel that, like anything worth doing, a good performance is about hard work and dedication, but enough about my feelings.

Let me try you another way. What do people want? World peace, health care, good burritos, etc. Well, we could help them with the burritos. What do people want from a “Space Balls” movie? Lots of things but you can deliver all of them except for John Candy. That is where I come in, because with modern makeup it would not be difficult to make me look like John, and as an actor I have portrayed many people with different physicality. In my last play I only had one line, but when I commented on that people were surprised to hear it because of my movements on stage. I told a story without speaking. 

Yet, there is one other thing I can give the audience: hope. Sounds silly, I know, but hear me out. Everyone wants to be up there on the big screen and a “who is that guy?” could be great advertising especially if they can’t recognize me and we don’t tell any of my friends and relatives. Most people are no names, and seeing a man come from nowhere into a role like John would play is inspiring.  

They could punch my name into the internet and come up with all kinds of crazy people. There is an ex pro football player and a senator with my name so questions will be asked about me and there are so many Richard Neals in the world that finding me would be like finding the right needle in a sowing shop.

Okay, this is totally hair brained, and even I don’t know why people think I look like John Candy but why not? You got bullets and night you take a shot in the dark. What is there to lose? I’m a walking cliché. I’m a white guy with two first names going to college at twenty-seven who is also a fat security guard. If that isn’t funny then you don’t know how to laugh.

Look I’m putting a picture of me and a picture of John with this letter. Our faces are similar now that I look at them. That is an old photo of me, ten years, but people say I still look that way. Between you and I there just being nice. My chin is more ridiculous now and it has a dancing partner. I can only hope to hear from you.

Always yours,

Richard Leland Neal 

Veronica?

I have no idea who this letter was sent to or if it was sent at all. I imagine it never was and a good thing given how much I ramble.

By “finished a play” I mean closed a production where I was an extra. My part evolved to become the angel of death, because I came to put death masks on everyone.

I have no less than thirty eight documents from nineteen ninety five to go through now and most look like they should be posted.

That is more remembering who I was than anyone can be comfortable with, but I will press on.

26^th March 1995

Dear Veronica,

                      

I just finished a play called "The Language of Flowers". It was tiring, but it was worth it. My grades Suffered a bit but you know how it is. I still haven't gotten in to TV that is what I wish I was doing. There is more money in TV. I got in touch with an actor friend of mine. He said that I can be represented, but at he had lost the agents number.

                     

The room of my dwelling is too small for a 15 year old. All I can think of some times is a bigger room. I have a dream a two story house and neighbors that live 1\4 mile from the place. It’s too much to ask for at this age, but a man can dream can't he.

    

To dream

a warm embrace in the night

that you wish would never end

if it is humble

or impossible

it is still a sliver of heaven

not easily left in the dust

of the human mind

like an echo

it returns

to hold the mind prisoner

for another time

                       

I apologize for the bad poetry it just gets in my blood that's all. Never been very good at it, but I will get better with practice. Sometimes I get some words in my skull and they stick there like I need to use them. It’s not a crime to be bad at something; it’s just a burden we must endure.

                          

                                                                                    

In good health,

R.L. Neal

Why Didn’t I Listen To Me

If there is one thing I know about myself it is that I don’t give up easily. I fought with my father until it became clear it wasn’t worth having him in my life, I was friends with this person until he became miserable to be around, and finally I was a theatre student until my teachers honestly wouldn’t tell me how to look for work.

If only I had listened to myself back in 2007 and left the theater major I could have had three college degrees by now.

7^th October 2007

Dear (soldier deployed in Iraq),

It’s been some time and I haven’t written because school has been such a pain in my ass. The first thing that happened was that I was told I couldn’t work on any of my pre existing scripts in class. The second thing that happened was that everything I turned in was said to be not interesting enough. That includes every play I sent you. 

It really is time I change majors and move on to something more reasonable or at least give up writing entirely. There is one possibility and that is to give one of my full length scripts to the department chair and see if she wants to put it on. I have little confidence in this idea but with no other option I must do so.

I will be handing her “Levi” with “student written play” on the first page. I’d say there is a 50% possibility that I will get her to read it and even less then that that it will be put on. Well, what can I do, old friend, time is short and this 17 unit semester is kicking my ass. Anyway, I’m going to e-mail this, and if I don’t get a response I’ll snail mail it by Friday.

Stay safe out there,

Richard 

Injured at Work

If there is one thing that strikes me about these letters it is the warmth with which I wrote them. That’s the funny thing is that the best part of this eighteen year friendship was when he was the furthest away from my company.

What does it say about a person when their absents is more pleasing than their presents? What does it say about the folks who feel that way?

21^st July, 2007

Dear (soldier deployed in Iraq),

The most interesting thing that happened to me this week is I had an accident at work. It was funny, no pain, just and odd tingling sensation. I was setting a “breaker bar” on a spin lock seal when the seal broke prematurely and the bar came down and hit me in the head. 

At first I thought that I was okay, and then I started to bleed. I was cutting seals and washing blood from my head when I thought, “okay, this bleeding isn’t going to stop so what do I do?” Get my shirt off and use it for a bandage. That was when I heard honking, and a driver was holding out a role of paper towels. Nice to know that some people still give a shit.

I could hear the driver telling the other guards “the guard back there is bleeding,” and one other driver got out of her truck to come and see. The other guards just kept saying “you’re going to need stitches; you’re going to need stitches.”

“Oh, how bad can it really be?” I said and went to go look at it in the mirror. The wound was less than an inch, no exposed bone, no pealed back skin. Just a deep cut but nothing to worry about.

After all that fuss they didn’t even let me go home early. I worked for more than six hours with the wound open so if I had needed stitches I would have been screwed. You can’t stitch a wound that has been open too long or you seal in infection.  

When I got home I could see that blood had soaked through my shirt, into my under shirt, and left a red stain on my chest.

I’ll have a new scar now, but other than that no ill on me. I was lucky; about a year ago another guard had his head knocked in the same way. He lived but needed surgery and the company didn’t give him a dime for it. All it did was leave me bleeding from the head.    

In other news I’m sending you another play “the Applicant”. You will note now that I have the title on the header so you can tell what play it is, and the page numbers are there for you. It being a true story I may have to lengthen it before I send you the end so the number of pages may change.

The problem with the true stories is that sometimes you remember stuff later that needs to be there to make it all work. The problem with fiction is that you must establish plausibility. I have one part of the story where what really happened is that the man started talking about the cold war then started farting and farting and farting until the interview was over. I couldn’t find a way to put that in and I think it may be too much for this one play.

I don’t know, old friend, again the silly squabbles of my life pale by comparison to what is happening in yours. Then the truth is that you have an end in sight. A defined end with a sure promise of the reward you seek. I wonder if I need too much to make me happy or if what the executor of this estate said is true that I’m just an unhappy person. It may even be possible that the problems of my life are necessary for my creative mind to work.

I hope not. If that were the truth I’d compensate by having thirty to forty hour movie marathons were I drink monster and watch crappie movies until I get a good story idea.

My major project for the summer is still “A Mind Bending,” but I’m having problems with the script. I have a total of twenty one pages and only ten in the story line before I start skipping around. That’s one of the things that had really helped me in the past is writing parts that happen later in the story and then connecting the scenes.

Writing for me, (soldier), is like digging a trench. You know where it is going to start and were it is going to end, but you can’t get every one of the diggers digging at the same place or they just get in each other’s way.           

One of the best parts in this play so far is when David, the main character starts to hear voices. The three voices are Rage, Fear, and Control, three parts of him that have broken off to become their own personalities. They then explain to him what they think he should do to end his problems, but their advice is incomprehensible to him. They give him an analogy of his life and provide the audience with greater understanding of the character. 

For that scene I will need to add production notes to simulate the reality of this event and what we know about its real happenings. This is one of the reasons I’m hoping to take more psychology classes. I don’t intend to change my major but if the events of this semester are as bad as that of last I will. 

Were it not for the fact that I can’t stand being a security guard any more I would have considered a double major, but that is water under the bridge at this point. My total tuition payment for this semester was 1,800 dollars. I have the money, that’s no big deal, but it is still clear to me that I would have never been able to go to the (the state college) working for (my first employer). I really should have changed companies and hoped, but I think I have a problem with taking abuse. I keep doing it and not walking away when the walking is good.

To life, love, and the new dawn,

Richard Leland Neal

Fools and Believers

I recall this situation and think it is far more interesting than the letter I wrote. Little known to me that the person I was writing to had no intention of putting my work on stage. It turns out that this person had a policy that only play writes from as far from the college as possible would have their work produced.

Given that the recipient of this letter was a Theater Teacher at a community college, and that we pay this person to better the students they teach I have to call that dereliction of duty.

In the classroom I have found so many little tyrants that I can no longer count them. Education loses its usefulness when the educators preach their gospel and declare a private kingdom. We end up with fools and believers rather than thinkers and doers.

31^st October 2006

Dear (Community) College,

I’m submitting this script at the insistent request of some of my colleagues. I can only hope that their praise of my work comes from honesty rather than friendship, but one can never tell. If nothing else you should find the material different and engaging. 

I wrote this play with a large stage in mind and in such a way that it would not bore designers. However, I believe the special effects can be omitted and up to seven characters can be removed without damaging the script. In truth the reasoning behind suck a large cast as this was to give all of the “cat fish men,” as my readers have come to call them, speaking roles.

One of the strongest aspects of this play is that the scenes run in two directions in time, odd scenes moving forward and even moving backward. This gives the play a mystery feel with a “what did they do?” to go along with the “who done it?”

Enjoy,

Richard Leland Neal

Carpenter

20^th October 2011

Dear Fellows,

I’m responding to your job post for a set builder.

I built sets for theater in high school and college, but I was never paid for it.

I worked with (Instructor) at (Junior College), and he should remember me. I’ve cut wood and steel, painted, and assembled sets for college theater productions.

I understand that I’m under qualified for the job, but I can get the job done, and I know what it’s like to work under a deadline.

Thanks for your time,

Richard Leland Neal  

May the Schwartz be with You

This was one of my dumber ideas, and I’m not surprised I didn’t get word back. The big thing I recall about this letter is that I mentioned it to a, hmmm, poor excuse for a human being who called himself my friend.

His reply is forever cut into my mind: “I don’t think you should … do it. I mean, you don’t really look like him.” This after no less than two people in one week told me that I reminded them of John Candy.

17^th March 2007

Dear Mr. Brooks

Something happen the other day that made me think of you. I was sitting in the hallway at (a state college) when a girl turned to me and said, “You could play Barf.”

Thinking I had misheard her I said, “what?”

“You know, Barf, didn’t you ever watch SpaceBalls?”

I heard on the radio that you were thinking of making another SpaceBalls movie and I thought. “Well, send the man a letter, you have a better chance of getting a screen test then winning the Lottery and the Lottery ticket will cost more.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve been compared to John Candy. Shortly after my mother’s passing I spent weekends with Diane, the executor of my mother’s estate, and her son Phil, this would make me ten or eleven. Almost immediately Phil’s friends adopted an unusual nickname for me. “Uncle Buck” They may have meant it as an insult, but I always took it as a compliment. I loved John’s work. I don’t know if I could play him but let me give you some reasons why you should give me a try.

1. I’m a nobody, we work cheap. 

2. People think I look like John Candy and that is very funny.

 3. I have experience and training as a stage actor.

4. I don’t have an agent for you to wrestle with.

At this point you may be saying, “Do I really want to make another SpaceBalls movie? Do I want Barf to be in that movie?”

First let me say, “of course you want to make another Space Balls movie! You knew that before you finished the first one!” Let’s talk about Barf. What’s your alternative? We’ll call him Can-Can Blinks. Cans are like jars right? He comes out in his long-eared, pastel skinned, stupid accented, annoyingness, the audience is visibly repulsed. A big fish eats him, we all cheer; enter Barf for a standing ovation. 

Okay, so I’m not all that funny, but it never hurts to ask right?

May the Schwartz be with you,


Richard Leland Neal

Quit Screwing Around

Yet another letter I found in the bowels of my computer sent by email and never received a response.

Is this more evidence that a student is only a means to more funding or some dumbass kid expecting special treatment?

Given that at the time a degree would cost twenty thousand dollars at the school I feel I was paying for an answer.

27^th January 2007

Dear (Department Chair for the Theatre Arts Department),

One of your staff told me to e-mail you because I’m focusing on lighting and sound. I have to say that my welcome as a transfer student who has a full time job has been less then warm and the teachers feel I should be chasing dreams.

The man I took play writing from has a MFA in writing and makes his living as a lighting designer. When I told him that I intended to study sound he was unhappy that I would not follow play writing, but told me that he wished that he had dun the same. He noted that he had many job offers for sound but was unqualified to take them and he really could have used the money. MFA and having trouble supporting himself. It proves that going into debt to get your education is no longer a good idea.

   

I don’t know, are there grants I should be looking at? It seems all the transfer students were told that they can’t succeed at (This state college) and have work detracting from their studies. As true as that may be we all need to pay our bills, and student loans defeat the purpose of going to college in the first place.

The slogan for theatre at (junior college) was “Come Out and Play”.  My slogan is “quit screwing around.”

ALD and other stuff

This is a letter sent by email to the department chair of the Theatre Arts department of my college. I recall that I received no reply. My success was never a goal of that department. They felt that the thousands of dollars I was paying wasn't reason enough for me to be looked after.

They were still willing to take my money, but at no point did they say that I didn’t belong or wasn’t good enough. The opportunities to practice my art simply never came my way.

By the time I dropped the Theatre major I had a good number of reasons to do so. I was angry and felt cheated. When I tried to talk to people within the department they treated me as if I was worthless and refused to hear a word I said.

You tell me, was it right for a state funded school to ignore this letter?

12^th of May 2008

Subject: ALD and other stuff

Dear (Department Chair),

At this point, I’m not opposed to doing anything light related. I have two years left at (State College), but as I will be taking advanced sound next spring my last year will likely have more to do with that side of design.

I’m still shaky on the Vector Works stuff, but I’m improving.

I have presently planned a 15 unit semester involving three days a week without (the 2 unit lab class) so I can take two sections of it, but I only need one more to put towards my degree. I’m always angry when there are units that I’m paying for and not taking, but the situation is what it is.

I’d also like to know who I should talk to about what the department is looking for in terms of plays. Like I said, one of my full-length plays is a 25 character monster and might suit the needs of the department once I clean it a bit. I had planned to write three full-length pieces of theatre in playwriting last semester and only failed to do so because I was refused in-class readings. I did turn in more than one hundred pages of never before viewed work. I know I can write to the needs of the department. I can’t promise that the plays will be good, and I know the likelihood of the school putting them on is still very small, but if I don’t try then I have no one to blame but myself.

“Nothing left but trying cept’in lying down and dying” Charles Dickens