Assistant Cover Letter

20th April 2023

Hi (Art Person),

It looks to me like you’re looking for something of an assistant. Rather a few of them I guess. I’m just looking to pay my bills. (A family) passing left me with some bad legal business and it’s costly. I have a night job and need a day job.

So, about me, well, I’m a man of Irish continence and having that very Irish ability to talk for hours without making people want to leave I will never bore you. People have said that my head is a vast store of off facts. Still, I’m normally the fellow your dog is always happy to see. We share a love of film and museums and I would be happy to accompany you to every film I haven’t seen. When I used to cook for (family) I always made a point of making balanced meals while trying new things. People say I’m patient, knowledgeable, and artistic.

In any case, you’ve never met a man like me. In my working life a good number of people have commented on how much they enjoyed running into me. If you give me an interview I can promise that you’ll want to hire me but I can say you’ll remember the experience.

Best,



Richard Leland Neal

Putrid in My Clothes

30^th November 2017

Dear Cassi,

I am putrid in my clothes not having washed for almost three days being hard at work in the drafting of comics and such. The nature of my garments is a disgrace as they are raggedy and stained with cat fur bristling from them. I have discarded my undergarments some hours ago as they had grown too saturated with the substances of the body.

The washer hums and so does the drier with the items scraped from the floor after the garage had been cleaned. I sort them finding in there long idle nature they had found detritus. Little bits of things fall to the concrete as I go. Long stained garments and towels, things you would revolt to touch, are a constant company to my work.

It has been longer than six hours since I took food, but still I feel no hunger in this less than an hour past midnight. I dine only when my hands become too shaky for the drafting table as I draw comics as I work on other things.

This is me in the odd twilight of being a man of employment and yet still surviving off an unemployment check. The company for whom I work has no hours for me, and in the low point I work every day as if I will never return to my labors. I work every day as if I will never get another job.

I draft my comics as if my livelihood depends on them. I draft hard and long, but as always I am behind in my work. With some it is a matter of months with another it is more than a year of work waiting for my hand to lift a pen.

The long hours are hard on my body and my gut lives in me as some parasite digging into me and causing pain in my back. My body groans as I rise, but I can only sit so long before my blood demands motion.   I know I need water as the skin of my cheeks is cracked beneath my unshaven beard, but again I will soon need to force myself to eat.

For the whole of my life I have struggled with depression and this is only another battle in that long war. I fear I will fight until my dying breath, but what else can I do.

Live strong, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal

Preferably with Restroom

17^th August 2017

Salutations Friends,

 I was just looking over your ad on Craigslist and noted that I may be right for your position as a graveyard Security Officer. I’ve maintained a Guard Card since nineteen ninety eight and am currently employed as a night guard.

I currently do many of the things that I would be required to in your position so the job would be very similar. I’m rather happy in my work save for one minor issue. It would appear as though the Officer I work with is rather territorial regarding the portable toilet.

When I addressed my concerns with management it was suggested that I use the bushes rather than the portable so as not to offend the other officer.  I have complied with this request, but I feel that this work environment isn’t for me. 

I’m sure you can understand,

Richard Leland Neal

Great Benefits I Can't Afford

18^th December 2017

My Dear (Ma’am),

Having received your email regarding my Indeed resume I feel it only proper to inform you of my last dealings with your company. I interviewed with you folks sometime in November 2016 after passing all your tests and such.

I politely informed the man who interviewed me that I was not interested in the position I was offered, because it paid too poorly to justify my leaving my current employer. None the less he moved forward with my application.

Now, I know enough about your company to know what kind of benefits you offer and know enough about math to know those benefits are of little interest to me if you pay to little for me to take advantage of them. Before I go and fill out another application I would think it best that you check your records regarding my past applications.

If, after this inquiry, you would still like me to move forward with your company I would require clear parameters as to which job you are offering. When I see twelve to sixteen dollars per hour I will assume you mean twelve.  I’ve been in security for nineteen years, and I’ve seen enough to know that I need clear answers. I mean no disrespect, but I have no wish to waste your time or mine.

Best,

Richard Leland Neal

Movie Man

27^th October 2016

Hello Friends,

I saw your ad on Craig’s List and I happened to be a YouTube movie critic. It’s not that I’m famous or anything like that but having more movies to review would certainly help me out some and posting on your website should help promote my existing work.

Now, am I great at what I do? No, not really, I’ve tried to up my game over the years but I’m still a nobody in the business. I think this is a great opportunity for me to expand my review list with newer films.

I’ll enclose a link to my channel and you can see it for yourself.

Best,

Richard 

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Cover Letter

Like around ten percent of Americans I’m looking for a job. This is a letter I sent out with my application to two companies. Likely with little result, but I had to say something.

  

10^th July 2011

Dear (perspective employer),

I’ve been a Security Officer for the last ten years, but with four years of Grad School ahead of me I’m looking to stay one until I get my MS. I like my work as a guard, and I’m told I do it well.

At the start of this year I was laid off from my seven year employer and took that time to finish my degree. They lost more than 50 jobs that month, so I guess it was inevitable.

My last employer said that if business picked up they would call me back, but they knew I was soon to become a college graduate. I doubt they will have need for more Guards any time soon. They had lost ten jobs the month before and fifteen two months earlier.

In four years I hope to get my certification from the state as a Mental Health Counselor. I want to help people. I can get this degree without working another day if I wanted to cash in my retirement plan and come away with tens of thousands in debt. I don’t see this as an option. A man is better off working than borrowing.

I look for honest work for honest pay.

Thank you for your time,

Richard Leland Neal

Car Crash

Here is another letter to Cassi. I’m spending a good amount of my time reminiscing over bad times. Hell, at least I remember who I am.

31st May 2011

Dear Cassi,

In the way of getting through my files I came across a document from my second employment as a Security Guard. It was the very first written assignment they had placed me on with a company that sold its assets the following year and now is no more.

I remember that day well because I was in a car accident that day. They had promised me a post 27 miles from my home but promises are just words. They had said I’d spend a few weeks working at a sporting goods factory first, and that was a drive of about 60 miles.

When I complained the woman at the front desk had told me “You need to go where I need you” my needs never crossed her mind. Sadly, they had me and they knew it. I needed a job back then bad enough to have to put up with their flack.

I went straight from the office to train at the sporting goods factory. I had some trouble finding the place, and I tried to pull a U turn when I got hit from behind. Hit and run, the driver never stopped. The impact spun me around and slammed my face into the door post of my car. I had a cut on my right cheek and I was stunned.

The Guard who was to train me came running out and told me he had called the police. I stood waiting for a few minutes and the guard came back out. He wanted me to start training. “Sometimes the police don’t get here for half an hour,” he said but I insisted I had to stay with my car. “Sometimes they don’t come at all,” he said, but I wouldn’t budge. He left me standing there again. I didn’t want to train at that place to begin with.

In a few more minutes he came out again, and gave me his cell and said the office was on the line. It was the first time I used a hands free. They told me that I’d be going to the other post, the one that they had promised me at the beginning.

It appeared as if they had come to the idea that this could be their fault, and they didn’t want me to hold a grudge. My car wasn’t that bad off anyway, but I’d take the better post.

When the policeman finally got there he was pissed that He had to make a report. It was a felony because of the cut on my face he said. I was just happy to be going home.

I had medical for a few more days under (Yule) and I got checked out. To add insult to injury (Yule) didn’t even call me to see if I was okay.

I was about to turn 22 and I was still on the family car insurance. That all ended when they told me that I would lose my uninsured motorist coverage.

There was good and bad that day, but I got what I needed to make it through another day. Sometimes that’s all you can ask for.

Stay safe,


Richard Leland Neal

Honesty is a Fool’s Fame

This is a letter that never got mailed, but I mailed one like it and it cost me my job. Honesty is a fool’s fame, and this was straight from the heart. I thought better of sending this letter and had forgotten about it until I was asked to stay home one day so I didn’t get over time.

I had worked at this place for a few years as a Security Officer contracted from another company. Then they had changed guard companies following a buyout. Needless to say, this is a complicated situation involving four companies and a lot of angry guards.  

I was still a fool for saying anything about my feelings for the new guard company. It’s true that if the company had listened they would have saved money in the long run. They cut their nose off to spite their face, but then, so did I.

22^nd April, 2007

         

Mr. (Security Director),

I’m the security officer you met at (a truck terminal) last Monday. I noted in the new post orders procedures that bring security personnel into harm’s way. Moreover, the hiring standards of this new security company are unacceptable. They do not require a high school diploma.  

Had you stood in that guard house and spat in my face you would not have insulted me as much as you have by believing officers of such poor quality can do my job. These officers cost (the shipping company) hundreds a day in driver overtime. That will rise to thousands when freight volumes increase.

Over the last two and a half years I have received countless reports of inconsistent security procedures across the country. Some of these reports are as severe as guards not logging inbound loads at all. 

I have fought (the old shipping company) and now (the shipping company) for the last two and a half years to secure adequate conditions for security officers at (my terminal). Sir, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. That describes both my attitude toward you as a client and your attitude toward security companies.

What’s needed at every one of your terminals is a long standing relationship with security officers who are adequately paid. I cannot even begin to resolve your problems with security until I have a stable reliable crew of guards willing to do the job.

Let me inform you that your facility is the first I have worked for under (My security company) that paid its post supervisor less than sixteen dollars an hour. The industry average pay for Security Officers in the United States is thirteen dollars an hour.

I don’t believe you need this level of pay. However, security companies will give you what you pay for not what you need.

Honestly,

Richard Leland Neal