Cover Letter to a Museum

I know, I know, I’m putting out a lot of cover letters here. Well, I am posting every day for you.

1^st November 2011

Dear Human Resources at (Museum),

I am responding to your ad for an Assistant Manager of Security posted online.

I have worked as a licensed Security Officer since 1998 and experienced some of the most intractable security situations imaginable. I am very used to dealing with the difficult situations that arise in security and again very familiar with many forms of security procedure.

In addition, it was this year that I earned a Bachelor’s of the Arts in Psychology from (stare College). I have a firm understanding of the human mind, the criminal element, and the potential for human error.

Payment options will depend somewhat on the working conditions and the average pay of your current security staff. I never ask more than honest work for honest pay, but every work-site has its own problems so the work involved will vary.

Thank you for your time,

Richard Leland Neal

For Good Reason

How many people have applied for a job that sucked to keep their unemployment benefits? If I had a larger friend base I would have them all apply for this job, and then turn it down just to get these people to raise the pay rate.

8^Th October 2011

Dear Cassi,

It appears as if the jobs that are open in this economy are open for a reason. I believe I have mentioned a job I applied for working at a mental hospital. This was part time, two days a week, but I thought the pay would be higher and the environment professional.

    

When I arrived for an interview I was greeted by the Security Supervisor who had trouble with his English or maybe trouble speaking at all. Understand here that the job description included good communication skills, written and verbal, in English. I was to work for a man who did not fit the job requirements.

    

This fellow told me that they were having as many as two cars stolen per day before he took over as head of security. He said that it came to employees leaving their car windows open so that when a car was stolen the windows were not broken.

    

It was at that point that he made it clear that when he said “a car was stolen” he meant that a car had been broken into and the radio stolen. I can imagine the local law enforcement loves talking to this man.

    

I learned that I may be called to the lobby during my working hours to deal with rowdy mentally ill patients. I would be given training to do this as well as CPR and the like. All this for twenty five percent over the minimum wage.

    

He asked if he would get a response from the contact numbers I had provided and I told him that two of the three companies I’ve worked for no longer exist, but that I could bring in my payroll records.

    

I brought in my records the next day and he then explained that I would also need to provide my own uniforms for this job but that if I stayed on I would get a three percent raise every year. In addition, I would need a physical to get the job.

    

I got to the point where they had called me in to sign the wavers for the physical when I backed out. If I had taken the job I would have given up part of my unemployment and if I lost the job I could have lost my benefits entirely. I think the reason this job was open was that no one would want it.

Stay safe, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal

Cinnamon and Mustered

Finally an actual letter to Cassi! Not that anyone is going to read it.

17^th of May 2011

Dear Cassi,

It’s been a bit since my last letter. Life has been … well, I can’t put it to words. Over the last few weeks I’ve been getting my affairs in order like a man on his death bed and no matter how hard I work at it I don’t make much headway.

The pieces of my life are scattered about like jigsaw puzzle bits. Some are lost and some are broken, but I can tell there was once a whole. If only I could stalk the furnace of my being with the bits that will burn, and through so doing find the locomotion to get myself to some peace.

Something has been buzzing about in my brain for some time that feels relevant. I think it happen when I was three. I was making cinnamon toast, but I couldn’t read the spice boxes and couldn’t tell which was cinnamon.

I asked (Pickle) and that had to be a bad idea because he gave me mustered.

“No, I don’t think that’s it,” I said and put the tin back. I couldn’t read but the stuff was the wrong color.

He waved his hand around in the cabinet and pulled the mustered out again. When I refused to put it on my toast this time he explained to me that he had made the mistake of putting mustered on his toast.

He felt that because he had a bad experience that I had to have that problem as well. I think that’s one of the things that I had to go through for a good amount of my life. People dump on others because they got dumped on. It comes to me that for some I should feel sorry and for some I should feel hate.

The truth is I think even I have taken my pain out on other people once or twice, normally by trolling on the internet, and I know I should never do that again.

I’m just rambling,


Richard Leland Neal