My Dear Cousin - Ego Solus

12th June 2021

My Dear Cousin,

I can tell you a funny thing about my old man passing, (Pony Girl) said his remains where to go to his ex-wife. I learned this when I wanted to visit the grave and mourn alone. (Pickle) would later tell me that his ashes where at (Pony Girl)’s house.

You may ask why I did not attend the funeral, and that would be a good question. Truth be told, I felt the family had long since been poisoned against me and that there was no making amends. There was no coming to them because they had already made my life so hard that I couldn’t deal with them and grief.

If there are people in your life you want to reconnect with you need to do it now. You need to take the time to see their side of things and be willing to make things right. With that family of mine they had made it clear that I would accept what I was given and pay what they asked me for it. What they wanted in return was always more than the value of what they gave.

A narcissist will often plant and idea in a person’s head and we humans aren’t all that bright enough to let that idea be put down by reason. The idea needs to be knocked out of our heads and that takes some damage. When I needed them the most those people turned their backs on me, and I think we have past the point where there is anything they can do to make it up to me.

In my art work I often write the words in Latin ‘Ego Solus’ under the symbol of the man alone. Ego Solus means I alone as I am alone. I stand alone in a world that stands against me and I will never give up.

Best,


Richard Leland Neal

My Dear Cousin - The Owl at Night

10th June 2021

My Dear Cousin,

The process of writing these is taking a lot out of me. It hurts to go over these old memories but I need to get it done. I need to bleed it out of myself and so here I am bleeding. With every letter I read the letters I’ve sent and try to normalize myself to the memories. I try to look at the pain and live with it.

Where were we? (Pickle) had suffered acts of violence against me and my sister was off with her husband pulling the strings on his life. Then (Yule) passed away.

I got a text from (Pony Girl) telling me he had a heart attack and I responded with “I was told to leave and never come back, and nothing will change that.” Then she told me that he had died in a text message. She told me the old man died by text. I still can’t get over that.

I wanted to call her and tell her how rude that was but then I guess it wouldn’t have mattered in the end. What was done was done and it wasn’t time to rub salt in the wound.

He was gone and that was that. I couldn’t cry for the old man. I mean, he treated me as if all his problems were my fault and that his life would be better had I never been born. He never really tried to reach out to me or make things right. He just kept pretending that he was the perfect father and that I was not worth his time.

I went to work that night and a small owl visited me at the homeless shelter. I was guarding the front gate and sitting alone in the darkness with almost everyone having come in for the night. I was alone with the owl and we looked at each other with some understanding.

I want to believe that owl was the old man’s spirit coming to make peace. I want to believe that, but I don’t. I believe that was a burrowing owl who can down and though I looked interesting. Truth is that the more I say that owl was the old man’s spirit the more a part of my mind thinks it and it does make me feel better.

Best,



Richard Leland Neal

My Dear Cousin - Permit

28th May 2021

My Dear Cousin,

In my last letter I told you about (Pickle) wanting to remodel the house, my telling him to use the money my old man promised me for my part, and him calling (Pony Girl) who put a stop order on the re remodeling.

There was something of an issue with permits. I didn’t know much about them at the time, but the contractor hadn’t gotten them. This led to the permits being prepared and an inspector needing to come out to the house.

This is when (Pony Girl) came to the house to find the crew working. They needed to expose the pipe to show the inspector that they were up to code. Well, she put a stop to them working right away and started complaining.

I had to explain to her that if they didn’t work, we wouldn’t be able to get the plumbing inspected and so wouldn’t know if the work was good. She relented and the inspector went all over the house looking at the plumbing.

At this point any interaction I had with the woman put me in a bad mood so I normally would go to my workroom and work. I was running a blog or two by this point, and I always had something to do.

It was a sad state of affairs that I was once again dealing with a woman who had abused me as a child, continued that abuse into my adulthood and now felt I should have been happy to be her servant. (Pony Girl) is a parasite looking for someone to leach off and that person all too often was me.

She felt I was the dumb one because I let it happen. When I got wise to it she did what she could to play the victim. In the end, she sued the contractor, got some of the money back, and it left the house with one working bathroom.

(Pickle) never left me get over that and would harp on me for it for years after that. It was a big factor in him moving out that he had to share a bathroom with me. Part of it was that he hated me.

I know he hated me because he always took joy in causing me pain. He would bring up anything he could that would make me feel bad and rub it in. If I ever did that to him he’d cry about it. He had been doing that since I was ten years old and he kept doing it until the last time I spoke to him, but that’s for another Day.

Best,


Richard Leland Neal

Pony Girl

8^th January 2013

Dear Cassi,

I took a great pain in avoiding the Pony Girl this morning but to no avail. The very site of my female blood sibling is revolting to me, but today I writhed in disgust at her actions which were in breach of the law.

       

Today the state inspector came to see what work Pony Girl had been so dissatisfied with in my washrooms. I will grant she was in good position to complain, but as I took solace in my email I heard he speak of how the work had not been finished. As she had ordered the work stopped I cannot mark this as a wise complaint.

       

There is no question that the fitting delivered were not as promised, but it is not the fault of the contractor that the job is left unfinished. Then Pony Girl and her husband’s rudeness to the contractor is another point of concern. She stated this by being combative and hard to work with and she was met with combat and difficulty.

       

Further to this, I told the inspector that I had something to add and he told me to wait until he had heard her statement. After hearing her he left, and I was never given the moment to speak.

This thing is a ponder keg and I have no idea as to the damage that will come of its explosion. It seems as if I have no path to take to change things and so I must ride the wave when it comes.

Worry over what you can change, Cassi,

Richard Leland Neal