My Dear Cousin - Ego Solus

12th June 2021

My Dear Cousin,

I can tell you a funny thing about my old man passing, (Pony Girl) said his remains where to go to his ex-wife. I learned this when I wanted to visit the grave and mourn alone. (Pickle) would later tell me that his ashes where at (Pony Girl)’s house.

You may ask why I did not attend the funeral, and that would be a good question. Truth be told, I felt the family had long since been poisoned against me and that there was no making amends. There was no coming to them because they had already made my life so hard that I couldn’t deal with them and grief.

If there are people in your life you want to reconnect with you need to do it now. You need to take the time to see their side of things and be willing to make things right. With that family of mine they had made it clear that I would accept what I was given and pay what they asked me for it. What they wanted in return was always more than the value of what they gave.

A narcissist will often plant and idea in a person’s head and we humans aren’t all that bright enough to let that idea be put down by reason. The idea needs to be knocked out of our heads and that takes some damage. When I needed them the most those people turned their backs on me, and I think we have past the point where there is anything they can do to make it up to me.

In my art work I often write the words in Latin ‘Ego Solus’ under the symbol of the man alone. Ego Solus means I alone as I am alone. I stand alone in a world that stands against me and I will never give up.

Best,


Richard Leland Neal

My Dear Cousin - The Owl at Night

10th June 2021

My Dear Cousin,

The process of writing these is taking a lot out of me. It hurts to go over these old memories but I need to get it done. I need to bleed it out of myself and so here I am bleeding. With every letter I read the letters I’ve sent and try to normalize myself to the memories. I try to look at the pain and live with it.

Where were we? (Pickle) had suffered acts of violence against me and my sister was off with her husband pulling the strings on his life. Then (Yule) passed away.

I got a text from (Pony Girl) telling me he had a heart attack and I responded with “I was told to leave and never come back, and nothing will change that.” Then she told me that he had died in a text message. She told me the old man died by text. I still can’t get over that.

I wanted to call her and tell her how rude that was but then I guess it wouldn’t have mattered in the end. What was done was done and it wasn’t time to rub salt in the wound.

He was gone and that was that. I couldn’t cry for the old man. I mean, he treated me as if all his problems were my fault and that his life would be better had I never been born. He never really tried to reach out to me or make things right. He just kept pretending that he was the perfect father and that I was not worth his time.

I went to work that night and a small owl visited me at the homeless shelter. I was guarding the front gate and sitting alone in the darkness with almost everyone having come in for the night. I was alone with the owl and we looked at each other with some understanding.

I want to believe that owl was the old man’s spirit coming to make peace. I want to believe that, but I don’t. I believe that was a burrowing owl who can down and though I looked interesting. Truth is that the more I say that owl was the old man’s spirit the more a part of my mind thinks it and it does make me feel better.

Best,



Richard Leland Neal

My Dear Cousin - Permit

28th May 2021

My Dear Cousin,

In my last letter I told you about (Pickle) wanting to remodel the house, my telling him to use the money my old man promised me for my part, and him calling (Pony Girl) who put a stop order on the re remodeling.

There was something of an issue with permits. I didn’t know much about them at the time, but the contractor hadn’t gotten them. This led to the permits being prepared and an inspector needing to come out to the house.

This is when (Pony Girl) came to the house to find the crew working. They needed to expose the pipe to show the inspector that they were up to code. Well, she put a stop to them working right away and started complaining.

I had to explain to her that if they didn’t work, we wouldn’t be able to get the plumbing inspected and so wouldn’t know if the work was good. She relented and the inspector went all over the house looking at the plumbing.

At this point any interaction I had with the woman put me in a bad mood so I normally would go to my workroom and work. I was running a blog or two by this point, and I always had something to do.

It was a sad state of affairs that I was once again dealing with a woman who had abused me as a child, continued that abuse into my adulthood and now felt I should have been happy to be her servant. (Pony Girl) is a parasite looking for someone to leach off and that person all too often was me.

She felt I was the dumb one because I let it happen. When I got wise to it she did what she could to play the victim. In the end, she sued the contractor, got some of the money back, and it left the house with one working bathroom.

(Pickle) never left me get over that and would harp on me for it for years after that. It was a big factor in him moving out that he had to share a bathroom with me. Part of it was that he hated me.

I know he hated me because he always took joy in causing me pain. He would bring up anything he could that would make me feel bad and rub it in. If I ever did that to him he’d cry about it. He had been doing that since I was ten years old and he kept doing it until the last time I spoke to him, but that’s for another Day.

Best,


Richard Leland Neal

My Dear Cousin - Remodeling

 

27th May 2021

My Dear Cousin,

In my last letter I mentioned that (Pickle) had elected to remodel the bathrooms. This was likely because I had the money from an inheritance, and he wanted to spend it for me. Anyway, the house was a wreck and I was still too depressed to really get much cleaning done.

I mean, I was still not speaking with (Yule) or (Pony Girl) and she had gotten now more than eighty thousand dollars from the old man in support. My life was a ruin, and I was trying to get as much of it back together as I could.

One of the problems with people who have suffered the abuse that I have is that they tend to have trouble trusting others and letting them into their lives. Me, I’m alone for that reason, and so my broken soul left me depressed and hard to live with.

We hired a contractor and elected to remodel both bathrooms and replace the old galvanized pipes with new copper ones bringing them to modern standard and preventing the rust of galvanized pipes from getting in the new fittings.

This was when I insisted that (Pickle) use the money (Yule) promised me for college to repair the house. He had a check book with his name and the old man’s on it. He had access to the money that had now been promised me twice. I figured it was only fair.

After all, this man had beaten me as a youth, abused me verbally as an adult, and now I was forced to look after him. That could be another reason why the family was always so unsupportive. They wanted me to spend my life looking after their problem.

Anyway, (Pickle) first tried to pay with his own money rather than speaking to the old man about it. Then he decided against that and called (Pony Girl). It did turn out the contractor was crooked but the family felt that I should have paid ‘my share’ even as they had short changed me. (Pony Girl) put a stop order on the whole thing and even adult protective services were called.

It led to a real rift between (Pickle) and I. It didn’t help that the contractor was crooked and used parts that didn’t last, old materials, and the cheapest crap that he could find. It really was a mess.

(Pickle) never forgave me for expecting him to use the money I was promised. He knew it was mine and he didn’t object at first but only made a stink about it later. You tell me, was I in the wrong?

Best,


Richard Leland Neal

Old Vanity

2^nd September 2013

Dear Cassi,

       

There are times in this life that I need honestly ask myself if the average person is capable of logic. After having complained for so long about the quality of the vanity the old contractor had used in his bathroom Pickles has opted to keep this article rather than replace it with a unit of better quality.

       

I can tell you time and time again that Pickles’ objection was that he had to spend money for repairs and complaints over quality were unfounded. For more than a year I have lived without a sink in my lavatory. Now it comes that all that was needed was the counter top and sink rather than a whole new unit. I could have done this myself.

       

After all the complaints and insults, after all the suffering and strife, Pickles just wanted a cheap job. Well, there is something bad about contractors being chosen by the lowest bidder. In all fairness, the contractor had a bad reputation.

       

Then, every contractor that has come to look at the job was rejected because they believed them to be dishonest. I think most contractors are dishonest and those that are honest are expensive to both conditions are prohibitive.

       

As for the fellow who put the counter in the bathroom, well, he was cheap but did a horrible job. The counter top was just a hair too large for the bathroom so in trying to get it in he scuffed the paint. In trimming the countertop he cut is in a jagged way leaving it ugly.

       

The cheap job won out over anything else but at least I can was my hands after I use the restroom. What can we do in this world of ours? Live and keep living.

Know what you want, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal

Weather the Storm

12^th August 2013

Dear Cassi,

       

I find it somewhat strange to contemplate that it has been a year now, or there about, that I have not had a sink in my bathroom. Having to wash my hands in the kitchen is something of an annoyance but the fact that pickles can choose to live this way that that Pony Girl can permit this to go on baffles me.

       

I’ve worked in places where the dirt and grime almost grow on your skin and great hoards of cockroaches play in open view so a dirty life in nothing to me. Still, it stands so far beyond my reason that when someone has the funds to live better then choose so difficult a situation.

       

I have to admit that I’ve made mistakes in trying to get this house back in order. I’ll be the first to say that, but I still wouldn’t have chosen this situation. That’s what happens when you deal with those of my blood relation, they’re all crazy and me, well, I just live here.

Weather the storm, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal

River of Blood

6^th September 2012

Dear Cassi,

         

Drama runs on in my life like a river tainted with blood. I

came home to day to find the workers doing what workers do readying my home for the permit inspector. Then Pony Girl came. Her bloated hippo body wiggling and making the ground shake with its revulsion of her.

         

The work stopped on her word forcing me to explain to her that the inspector was on his way. She wanted permits so I dealt with it now she wants work to stop because she thinks they’re over billing.

         

I heard three estimates and this was the cheapest. These things cost money. Two weeks of the lives of seven people will be spent in the refurbishing of this home. Remodeling two lavatories, total re-piping, and one floor are all on the list of work to be done. These things are expensive.

         

Looking into things I think the over bill is around two

thousand dollars. Pickles has sucked more than that out of me before and so has Pony Girl. I guess when it was my money then they had no trouble spending.

Never let them grind you down, little sister,

Richard Leland Neal